As my thoughts race, body going numb, I try to imagine what happiness is. What it feels like. Is it that of a warm summer day? Or the feeling that flows throughout whilst listening to your favorite song? Maybe it's remembering a smile or voice. Whatever happiness may be, I sure as hell can't find some. Maybe it's just stress. Maybe it's only for a moment. But the blade has contained my every thought. Where? How much? How deep?
Should I?
My mind flickers from my mom to my dad. From my friends to those I found myself hopelessly in love with. How would they react? I bet they would hate me. Maybe all those people were right. Maybe I am just a huge failure, someone who will never be loved or worth more than a piece of dirt. Why do I push those I love away? What did I do to deserve the touch of a boy I didn't want near me? It's not fair. But then again, life's not fair. Is this just one of the many bumps I have to go through? How long will this pain last? This hatred? I've always been told to love myself. To ignore those that bring me down. But how does one ignore those that bring them down when that person doing so is themself? I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to be in love with those I can never have. I don't want to push the ones I love away. I don't want to hate myself or swipe the cold blade across my damaged skin. I want to stop. But I can't.
Why can't I stop?
