Dang it. My finger slips off the key, ending my almost perfect performance. I give up, shoving the piano bench aside.
Walking up the stairs is somewhat of a nostalgic trip, except this time is different. I reach the landing before the bathroom and my room. Looking down at the first floor, I can't help but feel chills up my spine. How easy would it be to hang a noose here and jump? The two floors are far enough apart.
Inside the bathroom, I look at my reflection in the mirror. A pale, dark haired girl with bags under her eyes stares back at me. It's been like this ever since the fight. I groan and run both my fingers through my hair. Knife or rope?
It's almost midnight. I don't know what my parents have been doing all day. Still, I sit down at my desk and write a short testament.
"Dear Mom and Dad;
It's your daughter. First off, I'm sorry for being such a disappointment and causing so much trouble for you. At least you don't have to drive me to such a faraway school. That's about 5000 more dollars per year.
I only have a few requests: I put all my usernames and passwords on a piece of paper underneath my bed. Look through my social media if you want.
To Mocha: I love you very much. You're a smart and amazing kid, with a bright future ahead. Thanks for helping me holding on for such a long time, introducing me to homestuck, and just doing stupid stuff with me in general. Take good care of your girlfriend for me, will you?
To Raven: You're such a random person and it's amazing to hang with you. Keep on playing viola if that's one thing you can remember me by. <3
To Norm: One of my besties here :D. You're one of the most amazing people I have ever met. Keep on being smart. Have fun with your life. I see a certain Sined Triggy Uil in it :).
To Angel: Best ballet m8s :). You'll be fine without me, I promise. Look after Norm for me, they might run off with Sined a bit too early. Ily.
To Jesse: You're so amazing. Keep being amazing at piano for me <3. Mr. Chou Chou train seems interested too... have fun with your life.
To Z: thanks for opening my eyes to the Asian standpoint. You're an amazing big brother <3
To all the friends I didn't mention: You guys are the reason I stayed alive this long. Without you, I would probably have been killed way too soon. Keep being amazing like you all are. I love you.
I think this was too selfish of me to do. I've always been too selfish my entire life, as you've been keen to point out, mom. I guess that there's only a few more things to be said.
I regret causing all of you so much pain and worry. I was more of a burden than anything, and all my faults were caused by myself and not anyone else. Please, stay alive for me.
I'll see you again, someday.
-V
I exhale, a bit too loudly. Anyone on my floor would have heard it, probably. Is it just me, or can I see my breath?
My window is glazed with frost, letting in only a small amount of moonlight. I place my hand on the window pane, letting the cold bite into my hand. I can see a perfect blanket of snow outside, with more snow slowly shivering down from the dark night sky. Everything looks muted, as if even the surrounding environment has also been holding it's breath. One more time.
I reach over and shut off the lamp on my desk. Besides my breathing, the only sound is the sort of muted wind blowing through the trees. I turn towards my reflection in the mirror, ghostly moonlight creating an eerie outline around me. Velika Blackwolf, aged 15. Black hair, amber eyes. Goth. Violinist. Pianist. YouTuber Wannabe. Currently wearing a black hoodie and leggings. Asexual aromantic, demigender. Bipolar. Depressed. What good are these labels to me?
As I walk over to my closet, the air begins to feel thinner and thinner. I reach up and pull the trapdoor open, revealing the dark attic above. Suddenly, every fiber of me is cold. I grope for the light switch in the darkness, my breathing hard and my breath visible. Do me a favor and try to ignore as I fall through a bleeding trapdoor. Nobody knows I'm alive.
My feet make soft pats on the carpeted floor. The balcony door is also covered in frost, and this is reflected onto my work table. I grab the noose from behind the desk and walk onto the balcony, slowly shutting the glass door behind me. I've waited three years.
It's freezing outside. The snow keeps coming down, along with the occasional strong gust.
The tips of my ears start to tingle a little. At least I'll be cold by the time this is over.
I jump from the railing to the nearest tree branch, careful to not slip on the ice. I hang there for a few moments, taking in the piny smell of the tree. Slowly, I move myself to a high branch and jump to the next tree. The stars sure are pretty today.
Done. Noose around neck, and six feet to drop. I look up the mountain behind me and take in the muted colors and most shrouded evergreens for the last time. Requiescat en pace.
I let myself fall backwards. Mocha and all my other friends are gathered around me, but almost as if separated by a dark veil. Everyone looks shocked, their eyes lit up and eyebrows raised. I stare into Mocha's eyes, giving him a small smile. Friend, please don't take your life away for me. Everything's going to be ok.
