I never tell you how much it hurts to hear you talk about someone you love.
How much she meant to you.
How she was there for you.
How much you treasured her.
How she was someone who understood you.
How much you want her to a be here on God's green earth.
"She was my friend before my lover."
But the fact remains that she was a lover. She has been imprinted in your heart. And she has changed you.
"It's alright. You can keep talking. I don't mind."
And I truly try to not mind. I know how much she had meant. But if I'm with you now, and this was so long ago, and you say you're over it... why continue to bring up the romantic, cute parts of it?
Hearing how much you loved her from other people...
Hearing why you and her were so close and how it came to be...
It hurts.
Because you say to me
"I love you." Yet it seems like you're not mine to love. She has a place in your heart that I never will. She had a story to tell... she sounds like she was so powerful.
And then there's me.
Covered in my cowardice that I can't even tell how I get choked up hearing how much you loved her. And how sometimes.... it seems like you aren't over her despite it being so many years...
How can I not feel insecure, when I feel like someone who is no longer with us, truly has your love?
You write about her. Every poem, every song, every story, every entry, it's all about her. How is that fair?
And the love you have for me, is something that I don't have all of, a boyfriend should give to his girlfriend his love and vice-versa. Not 2/3rds of it and keep a portion of that kind of raw, romantic love for someone who you used to love.
I wish I knew her.
Do I remind you of her?
Is that why you chose me at first?
Did my firey spirit remind you of her?
My silly moments?
Why do I feel like she will always here?
She's gone.
I never met her.
Yet I continue to hear all about her.
I feel like I'm not good enough.
She seemed so fantastic, with how you and everyone talk about her.
And then there's me.
Ha, feeling insecure about a dead-girl.
Marilin... I hear her name come up often.
And how she was someone who brightened up your day, just as you brightened up hers.
The way you still celebrate her birthday with her favorite snack and drink. And still mourn.
It hurts that I can't tell you this.
I don't feel like it's my place to tell you this.
It seems wrong.
But... I guess she truly was your soul-mate.
And despite how much I wish we were....
You make it seem like I'm not even your girlfriend with the way you talk about her when you do.
If she was still alive... you'd still be with her wouldn't you?
It wouldn't have been me.
You'd still be with her.
You loved her.
And quite frankly, I think you still do.
And not just in the way to preserve the memory of your friendship.
In a romantic way as well.
You can't have us both in your hearts.... it's not fair.... I didn't know....
It just hurts that I can never be her for you.
Because I'm me.
And it hurts me so much, that I cry. Thinking about how I will never be able to leave that impression on you.
Unless I die.
