Darkness can be so scary. The darkness of an alleyway is so unnerving, the fear of the unknown consuming. And yet, the darkness of the night sky, teeming with stars as you watch from a field in the midst of nowhere is so relaxing. It's something beautiful, something to treasure. One of many fleeting moments that I remember fondly and significantly.
It's an interesting way of being, moving constantly, never really belonging anywhere. I drift around, unhappy staying in one place and travelling through the country taking up odd jobs here and there. England isn't known as a top backpacking destination, but it's home to me. People underestimate the beauty of a small English village, or the view from the top of a mountain in the Lake District. The dream of this life remains
Of course real life is less exciting. I am not as adventurous as I wish to be. I am just ordinary, a normal unhappy person. There's nothing notable about that, everyone has their issues. I have my past, but nothing too bad has happened. I just stay feeling like I'm missing something, like there's some big secret that I don't get. A lacklustre existence where I float and dream of being happy, and thing don't change. Moving to a different city, a different environment just changed... nothing. Things stayed exactly the same, except somehow I manage to feel more alone.
The world is a funny place. Every single person on our Earth has a different experience, a different view on things, a different life. Every person will approach the same things differently. My dad's main mantra is to find a good distraction and to remember that being unhappy is different from depression. Psychology courses can tell you so much I suppose, but it's always more complicated than that isn't it. Things aren't that easy, and besides how much can you know if your children don't talk to you?
The way I tend to deal with things varies. Greatly. Everlasting positivity fades into despair all too easily. I was always the happiest person at work, but then I break down crying to my boyfriend every night. What a funny world it is. I have my goals though, don't get me wrong. I have my issues but I have general things I want to do with my life.
I want to travel and visit different cultures and countries and just cities. Visiting Canada on holiday was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. We were busy, we travelled, I read, we saw wildlife and nature close up. It was honestly one of the only times I have felt truly happy for an extended period.
I want to own a house when I'm older. It may seem like a futile thing, possessions don't mean everything, but I want to own a house, with a garden. Somewhere that is mine, somewhere to raise kids if I choose to have them. Somewhere to just be with the person I love.
I want to make things better. It's broad and it is to some extent like that on purpose. I don't mind how I do it. I'm currently studying environmental science at university which is one way I may. I enjoy volunteering. I like making people happy. I want to make the world a better place in the small way I can. I am just one person, but the arguments that one person can't change anything are just, in my opinion, wrong. One person doing something tiny can change one persons day entirely. A little girl at work once drew me a picture, bearing in mind I work at a chain pub. She wrote my name at the top and gave it to me, and it's something I still have and don't forget because it made me so happy on that one day.
Young children have an innocence I admire. It must be lovely to not be so jaded. Jaded as I am, I still have faith in people. I have faith that most people will do good if given the choice, I choose to trust people. Obviously it has backfired massively in the past and yet I stick with it. If you can't have faith in the people around you, things feel a lot darker. The world gets smaller, and everything is harder.
