bombs away

School starts in 2 days. 10th grade, a sophomore? Me? That's what I thought in my head. Volleyball tryouts are in 5 days and basketball in 3 weeks. Maybe I like to plan ahead but isn't that a good thing. Noah and I for example, I plan for us. We have been dating for almost 2 years and he is my first boyfriend! I plan for us to get married and have kids someday. Not now of course, we have to get an education. Okay I get it I'm a planner and a little bit to...How do I put this? Cookie cutter. I like things to be outlined and sophisticated which is the complete opposite of high school. My struggle, yet thrive. High school, round 2. I have my 3 best friends to keep my head up so that's always nice. Dylan, Sabrina, and Maisen. Dylan and Maisen both do All Star Cheer which keeps them busy. Bri and I play volleyball and I'm a lone wolf when it comes to basketball, but it helps me stay focused. There it is again cookie cutter. Whatever, I'm me and no one can change that. Or so I thought.

  People are always saying that highschool is so fun but it's really not. The only good thing about it are friends, freedom, sports, and parties! I'll admit I went to a rage last year and I totally loved it! There were drinks of course but I didn't have any, I swear.
The was the best part of freshman year!

I'm getting ready and I've been anticipating this day for like well I don't know...3 months..ever since school got out last year I guess. I woke up at 6:00 am and I'm getting picked up but Noah at 7:00 am. I wonder if the sophomores will eat with the juniors? Yeah I'm dating a junior. IM DATING A JUNIOR! I'm the only one of my friends who has a boyfriend let alone a junior boyfriend. Yay me! Dang it I got side tracked. I hate when that happens. Time for hair I thought, okay what do I wanna do? Straight or Curl? Up or down? I'll do the usual, straight. "Beep, Beep" that's Noah. I haven't seen him for what a week?! I don't know if I'm more excited about seeing him or school! Probably him! "Hey Alanna!" he said to me. "Hey! I've missed you" I exclaimed excitedly. We pull up to Eagle High and got out of the car. Sadly I don't have any classes with Noah but atleast we eat together!
Tuesday. Same routine except Dylan, Maisen, and Sabrina all come over that afternoon after school. Ik so excited to hangout again. The 4 of us. "Omg big news now!" said Maisen. The rest of us looked at eachother. "Yeah, what" I said "Okay, so I didn't tell you this but James and I had went on dates--
"Wait WHAT!" Bri shouted. "When did this happen, why, James? All that and a series of more questions were asked. "The point is he asked me to be his girlfriend!" We all scream and "eek"
"What did you say?" Dylan questioned. "What do you think? It's James Boulevand. Of course I said yes!" More screams happened after that and we were total white girls!
Wednesday. The news about James and Maisen is all over school. It's getting rather annoying. I love that she's in love with her dream guy but can we talk about basketball or the latest social studies assignment? Whatever, I think I have something more important going in than my friends' boyfriend. I've been having pain in my lower stomach for months and all the doctors just say it's nothing or that I'm lactose and tolerant and I shouldn't eat dairy. I know that's not it so we're gonna go from Pennsylvania to Massachusetts to see a specialist on Thursday. Hopefully it's nothing but if it is something I want to know as soon as possible. Sports are coming without volleyball or basketball I'm that girl who reads and has cool friends and a HOT boyfriend! Oh Noah, I think every time I see him. When I wake up before I go to bed. Noah. (Sees clock) "11:00 o'clock?!" I read and yelled in dismay. I better go to bed. Big day and long flight tomorrow.
   Thursday. 4:30 am. (Alarm goes off) Uhh to early I decide. 5:00 am. I go to take a shower and get ready for the flight to MA. Sadly I don't have seat next to my mom so little ole me has to sit next to a stranger. Yikes! So awkward! 12:00 pm. Yay we're in and off of that enormous thing I say to my self. We take and uber to our hotel and change. My appointment is at 2:30 so we have about an hour to kill but naps for the win. After are catnap my mother and I take another uber to the clinic. "It takes forever just to see him." Says a lady. I'm so lucky to have gotten and appointment with Dr. Randy Skigth! I know, I know weird last name but he came to America from the Middle East and he is very good at what he does. "Alanna Marano" a nurse said. My mother and I get up and walk to the room. After about 30 minutes of pointless paperwork Dr. Skigth comes in. He looks surprised at what my tests say and so does my mother. My mother, my rock is now crying what is going on? What is going on? "What is it?"

Stage 2 colon cancer. Cancer. A word that I never thought much of is now apart of me. "Hey who are you" a voice would say. I'm a girl in high school with cancer. Now I'm crying. I can't believe it. I've been active and always have been very healthy. The first person I told was Noah. I tell him this bomb and another goes off. He calls me and I start crying and I say "Noah, I have cancer. I have cancer Noah." The response I get is unexpected. "I don't want to date a girl that has cancer." I'm confused "What?" I ask. "You heard me, were through." I start to cry and I here a "beep beep beep" He dumped me because of something I don't have control of? Why? Why me at this time? Another hour of crying follows that phone call.
   I pack up my bad once more before we get on our flight home. When we get home my dad was open arms for hours. There were more tears shed in that evening than in my entire childhood. I didn't go to school the day after, or the next day. People got suspicious and asked why. Why? Because. I just started to tell them if they asked. It's my title I guess. I don't know but I'm just so don't with everything. Even volleyball my true passion is taken away from me. My mom and dad said I couldn't do it because of my health condition. I can't believe it. My friends understood why I wasn't coming to school and I asked my parents about homeschool. I'm fortunate they said it can be arranged. Noah's Called and I haven't answered. Why should I talk to him after here broke my heart? I shouldn't. Hmm. I have doctor appointments coming up which hopefully chemo can cure my cancer or at least make it easier. Easier? Can cancer be easier? I don't know but I hope with all my heart it can.

I wonder what the meaning of life is? I've asked that to my mom before. Now my life is in a whole new perspective. It's more than just enjoying yourself and those around you. It's about thriving and taking chances! I can't say my life is perfect. It's definitely not. It wasn't before. Chemo was hard the first time but I'm getting used to it. I guess if there is a "used" in the world.

I've started online school and one good thing about it is I can lay in bed. No more dress code. Pajamas. I'm feeling worse and worse and we got the news. My cancer is stage 3. If it continues to go down this path I'll have to stay in the hospital. I don't know what I should do. Let go or struggle to survive. I'm 16 and I'm weak. Why me I ask myself before I sleep. Why Alanna Marin. I don't know and only one person does. I pray.

5 weeks later

I'm in the hospital for good. They say I can't get better and I know they are just trying to make me comfortable. This all happened so fast. School in September, Hospital in January. I used to way 120 and I'm down to 97. Scary huh. I don't know if I'll make it but I can't hold on. I'm deteriorating. My body is eroding.

January 3rd 2012 is the day I let go. Goodbye.