empty talks•

Skin

I don't want your hug.
It's not to be rude.
Please know,
Hurting anyone is the last thing I want
But I cannot have you hug me,
Because I don't want to feel your body touching mine.
I don't want to feel your breath on my skin.
I don't want your hand on my elbow to guide me.
I don't want you within a foot of space near me.
I'm not asking you to understand.
In fact,
Please don't because I don't want you to know the pain it causes me to be so close but want to run away as fast as I possibly can.
I don't want you to know that accidentally bumping my leg with your knee sends me into a downfall in which the need to burn the skin completely off triumphs over the knowledge that it was harmless.
I don't want anyone to feel the way I do when there's too many people in a room and they can be so far from me but still never far enough.
I know the ways I am failing.
I know how people see me and they think nothing because there's nothing to think about an ordinary girl smiling as she walks.
I know that I've never felt more safe than I do at night when it's quiet and my head is calm because I know my best friend is an arm's reach from me and even though it churns my stomach, I can hold your hand.
I know you can't understand why I'd want to deliberately touch you,
Sometimes I can't understand either,
But your comfort eases the pain.