I never realized how far I'd sunken until I was already so far in the pit that I couldn't even see the entrance. How I got there? Why, that's the story I'm going to tell.
Honestly, my love started out like a book or movie crush. It started on the night I was going to a group ballroom dance lesson. I had been ballroom dancing for at least a couple years by then, but wanted extra practice. I wasn't sure if I should dress up for the lesson or not, but I ended up being memorable. I wore a nice dress covered in sequins; with a skirt that soared like a dove; it made me shine like a star whenever it caught the light. Basically, I was a human disco ball. Yeah, if that wasn't bad enough, when I arrived, everyone else was dressed in casual clothes: t-shirts, jeans, and sneakers. To make it worse, I had special dancing shoes that made me stick out even more.
Even though the night started out embarrassing, when I started dancing, everyone was shocked by how much I knew except for one of my friends, Ruby, who knew I had been dancing for a long time. Of course, I just ended up being more apparent even worse because of that.
When the hour long session finally ended, I felt like I was going to die. Embarrassed, hot from dancing, and on the verge of tears because I really didn't talk the entire night. I went to make friends, but I was so nervous I barely said a word. My friend tried to talk to me and make it seem alright, but even to her I could barely talk. I was about to finish packing up when he sat next to me and asked my name.
"Samantha," I replied almost dying from exhaustion and anxiety. "You?"
His smile made him seem so young. "Most people call me Ben. You were really good at dancing and your dress is nice."
I couldn't help smiling. I was so scared I was being judged so negatively for wearing the dress, that his comment lifted my world. I packed up and talked for a few more minutes before my mom called and told me we had to go. I told him good bye and didn't even look back.
Interesting way to meet, huh?
Over the course of the next few months, we would see each other every week while at the classes. I never realized until I danced with him, but I never smiled when I danced. I was so busy concentrating on getting the step correctly that I forgot to appear like I was having fun. He solved it really easily by continuously making faces at me until I couldn't stop smiling. Seriously, he WOULDN'T STOP. We would also talk while dancing about things that were happening in our lives, like stressful tests, dealing with people, and occasionally our interests. With things like tests and dealing with people, I was mostly clueless because I was home schooled. I barely got to talk to people outside of my family. That's why talking with him was so much fun. He told me about the struggles of public school but also the upsides to it. None of the conversations were boring because it was always interesting.
When I went to my first party, I couldn't and wouldn't talk to anyone besides my mom because I wasn't a people person. When my mom went off to talk to other people, I ended up awkwardly sitting at a table by myself and drinking some water. Even though music was playing and people were dancing things like cha-cha, swing, waltz, and foxtrot to different songs, I sat alone. Even though I loved to dance because of how freeing it was, I didn't want to talk to anyone to dance. So I sat at the table alone and drank my water. It was so crushing to not be able to dance without a partner even though I loved it. I was about to head to the bathroom and give myself a break from hearing the music when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Ben was standing there with his hand outstretched.
He said the words I had been wanting to hear: "Would you like to dance?"
I immediately put down my water and stood up to dance with him. I didn't even realize how much I had fallen at that moment. I thought I was just dancing with a friend. We traveled around the room and laughed at his facial expressions as we danced. We danced for two songs until he was out of breath. When we stopped, we sat at a table and talked. We talked about what it was like to be home schooled and what it was like to have such a flexible schedule. We talked about what else I did besides school and ballroom dance. Then we talked about how his school career was going. He laughed and said it wasn't horrible, but wasn't great. His grades were average and he had some friends, so he said he was pretty well off.
We ended up becoming close friends despite only seeing each other once, maybe twice, a week. We would talk every time we saw each other as if we hadn't been apart for a week, but for barely a day. We'd get closer and closer that we wanted to swap numbers, but I didn't have a phone despite my friends, who were 10, just like me, having phones. I knew I was more than ready, but my parents wouldn't have it. I just accepted it in the end.
We even got so close as to he would tell me about some relationship things happening in his life. He would tell me about his crush, but never release a name, and how they were friends. Ouch, right? He would tell me about how even though she seemed quiet, with her friends, she was pretty rambunctious. Just like with me. I didn't feel anything even when he told me because I hadn't realized yet. I wouldn't realize for so long.
After a few weeks while talking to Ben and Ruby, I noticed they were closer than usual. When I asked why, they said they were dating. Then Ben explained that Ruby was his crush and told me the story of how he fell in love. He even told the embarrassing story of how he confessed to her and asked her out. What made it so embarrassing is she said no and friend-zoned him. That must have hurt. But you know what made her say yes? Ben never gave up. He would keep asking, determined that he liked Ruby, and only Ruby. She finally accepted his determination and agreed.
I listened to their story with sparkly eyes. Something I'd only read about in books was coming true in front of my eyes. It was nostalgic, amazing... and hurtful. At the end of that party, I felt happy for Ben because he got his crush. I was so happy for him I didn't realize how much it broke me that he loved another. I didn't realize how far I'd gone down the rabbit hole.
