The truth has come out. I'm not sure how to feel when "You mean everything to me." turns into "You meant everything to me." When his whole self was laid bare for the world to see and I realized his world should never have included me. When I finally saw your colors, the colors in between black and white, they were not as bright as I had thought. Instead, they were subtle shades of grey masked by a facade I thought you incapable of maintaining, and I thought I knew grey like the back of my hand, but its more than I thought. It was fists to hit so hard I couldn't feel anymore and feet to kick my ribs and take the remainder of the breath in my lungs. I would forgive if I had some humanity left, but I can't afford to forgive when all you ever do is take advantage. You took me and you distorted me into who you wanted me to be. You beat my old self out of this body, you made me your own. Then you threw me away like so many before you. And now i cant even walk down the street without feeling you in my mind, in my veins like heroine without the high. You still cloud my thoughts, the image of the sick mask on your face when you said, "You'll never be worth it." Maybe this feeling I get is self pity when the thought that you are all I want crosses my mind. That you were the only one i deserved and now I'm done. Or maybe it's remorse, or the guilt of being selfish enough to go without a word. Either way, it hurts that I did. I just want to forget. I want you taken out of what's left of my heart and off of my useless mind. Some nights I wish I didn't care so much. But most nights, my death wish is almost stronger than the wish that I would be enough for someone, anyone, for once in my life. Will I ever let go of my past and claim the future as mine? Will I realize that the only thing holding me back is me? I've almost let you go. Will I ever let myself go? When? Because the weight is pulling me under quick, and I don't know how to swim. The last page has been turned, but I can't find a pen to write the next one.
