Life as we know it

There's nothing more than life as we know it. There is no God, nothing to believe in, yet I have always wanted to. Having a Catholic family suffocate me, forcing me to have faith in God, but me being stubborn refused it. But I guess it rubbed off onto me, because I want to believe.

So how can people imagine something that doesn't exist? I learnt that a philosopher used that argument for the existence of God, or Jesus.. To be honest I wasn't paying attention. But it rings true in my ears, how can people imagine something that doesn't exist? They must have had an idea to create theirs from. So why do so few people believe in the supernatural? How can those stories come to being? So this is my belief: the supernatural is real.

Which brings me to the story of my life. It's nothing special, I'm a teenaged British student confused with her feelings, emotions, beliefs, faiths and things like that. And it starts when my brother left for a tour in Afghanistan for the first time. I met a guy online, Martin. He seemed lovely, and similar to me, which is why he caught my eye at first. And we are still friends now, good friends, flirty friends, but nothing more has ever happened between us, and I don't mind it.

A year passes and I met a new guy called Jamie. Now I dated him for 6 months and I didn't see it ending because I enjoyed my time with him but it did end, and unfortunately he never knew why. And I don't want him to know... It would crush him if he knew.. But he had it coming to him. You see I was his first girlfriend, and I guess he didn't know how to treat one. But on the day of our first date he went out that night and kissed another girl. He had the heart, guts and balls to tell me and so I respected it and forgave him. But then, around four months we were at a party and he did it again. So again, me being me, I forgave him. Which was my first mistake.

So when it got to six months I had my best friend, Sam, round my house, we did some drugs and got high because he was depressed, except that night he told me he liked me, more than a friend, which was the best news I could have ever heard. Confused? I don't blame you. Because I had had feelings for Sam for years before any of this, but because he was and still is my best friend I learnt to love with it. So hearing this made me unequivocally, undeniably, exceedingly happy. So I kissed him that night, and broke up with Jamie the next day. I felt no guilt. Should I have? Maybe but I still felt none, because for the next two weeks of my life I was the happiest I have ever been. More so than I am right now, and I guess this is why I'm writing it down in here, my diary. My last words before I join whatever is after this. But I'm not finished with the story yet, so let me continue.

After two weeks, me and Sam broke up agreeing that it was better as friends. Which was fine because then I met Ben. And I have been with him for over a year now. He did used to make me happy. That was before I could have ever believed in anything, and obviously now I do, but before I even thought about it my feelings for him were running thin... We argued more than anyone I had ever known, and it wasn't working, and over the summer break at the end of year 11 we didn't see each other, other than once or twice on GCSE results day, and when he got back from holiday, which in-coincidentally happened to be the day I went on my holiday. But when school restarted .. That's when it got harder. I met new friends at my sixth-form and he met new friends at college. Before I knew it we were arguing over them as well... But then Christmas came around and on the 21-22nd of December that year me an my new friends had a fake Christmas at one of their houses - we called it Mockmas.

What happened at Mockmas stays at Mockmas. But there wouldn't be much of a story without the details of this night and morning. But honestly I can't remember a lot of it. But around 11 pm I remember crying, a lot, and I don't cry over nothing. But from what my friends told me I kept saying that I was in love with Sam and wanted to be with him. Crazy right? There would be no way I'd say that, especially as I remember spending the night with another guy, Gareth. And I don't regret what happened there either. Except, now I can't get him out of my head ... So I spend Christmas break pretty much isolated and alone with my thoughts until New Year's Eve where I spend most of the night taking care of Sam as he was ill, everywhere... And I mean everywhere. Except I was drunk to and he found out that I love him, that I'm in love with him. So one thing led to another and he started things up. But I was still seeing Ben at this point, and he was seeing his girlfriend so I told him to stop. And at midnight I kissed a girl, and then Gareth. Long story of that night short? Sam spent it with the girl I kissed and Gareth spent it with a girl I haven't liked for a while now, I don't even know why she was at the party. But she told me that Gareth only saw me as a friend. Which is fine I'd just rather he stopped kissing me to tell me that.

And so now I was left with decisions to make. Sam didn't remember that I told him I was in love with him, and he didn't remember asking me upstairs either. So I had to break up with Ben to clear my conscience, which was the right thing to do as it wasn't working out. Except it was much harder than I could have ever imagined to do so. But once it was over that's when I started to believe in things that I never thought possible.

I started to have dreams that the came true. Silly things like what my mum would buy at the shops, and what people would say to me. The weather, programs on tv. I didn't tell anyone because there was no need to. But then things got serious. I started to see headlines for newspapers: "WOMAN FOUND DEAD IN FOREST" "Teen Missing Since Tuesday". And obviously I'd then read them within a week of having the dream. Other things happened to me, like I would be at home alone and hear voices calling my name, people waking around, tapping noises in a constant string of four. I even saw figures sometimes. So I went online, and found the Wiccan faith and read up on it a bit, everything that was said about it explained everything to me. There's no God as far as I could tell and so it didn't sound like a pile of bullshit.

A few weeks passed with my reding about it before I came across a coven in my area that met on the weekends so I decided to pay them a visit, and the things I have seen have changed everything that I have known. The supernatural is real, I'm not a crazy 18 year old girl wishing for a better life, because now I have.