Walking. Some how i ended up in some woods full of fog, unable to see things in front of me. Just walking around not knowing whats going on, or where I'm going. I just feel confused mixed with sadness, despair, depression, anxiety, hopelessness. I don't know where I'm going but the more I walk the less fog there is. Memory's keep replaying in my head over and over again. The memory's of my grandma... The love. The happiness. The safeness. The last happy days of my life. I keep walking hearing water ahead of me. I soon come to a water fall. I look down into the roaring waters. Knowing what I have to do. I can't stop thinking that I need to be happy. I need to feel loved again. I need to feel the warm loving in brace of my dear grandma. I inch closer and closer to the edge... Inches closer and closer to seeing my grandma.. Inches and inches closer to love and happiness. As I take my last step I glance up and say "I'm coming grandma. I'll be there soon" my foot slips off the edge and I fall. I'm silent knowing i'm going towards my doom. knowing I'm about to take my last breathe. and I hit the water...
I sit up quickly in bed thinking it was all dream... those woods... they are familiar.. but I don't know from where though. I saw them before but not in person and not in any dreams. I lay in bed thinking about it. How eerie and creepy but the feeling of love and being cared for just standing there in the woods... My mom came walking into my room making me forget all about the dream and woods. She came and sat on my bed "Hey sweetheart. Its time to get up and go to school. Its Monday remember sweety?" She says while stroking my hair. I'm silent for a moment with a frown on my face. and I shake my head yes because I'm mute. "Why wont you talk baby girl? Its been years since we hear your beautiful voice" my mom said sighing with a sad face. All I did was shrug, but its true. I won't talk. Ever since my grandma passed no one listened to me ever. So one day i just stopped talking and I don't see why I should talk. People pay more attention to me now that I don't talk then when I used to talk.
My mom gets up and walks to my bedroom door. "Sweety make sure you get up and get dressed for school then come down for breakfast" she says in a sad voice and walks out of my door. I feel like she is about to give up on me. Ever since I stopped talking and became mute about 3 years ago when I was 11 she tried to get me to talk. To even say just one little word. I get up and get my out fit that I'm going to wear, a black shirt with big white letters that say I'm not sorry, a dark purple and white striped long sleeve shirt, blue jeans and my combat boots and place it on my bed. I go to the bathroom and take my clothes off and start my shower. I step into the water not caring about checking the water to make sure its good. My skin starts to get goosebumps. As I let the water hit my skin loving the freezing icy water. I get my shampoo and conditioner into my electric blue hair. Running my hands threw my soft hair. I wash my body with my lavender body wash. Looking down at my arms running the soap over my cuts. New ones and old. Letting it sting the newer ones, it hurts like hell but I love the pain. As I rinse my body and hair off I get out of the shower and I wrap the towel around my body.
I walk into my room. I grab my bikini on instead bra and panties cause I'll be swimming after school and its easier just to wear it under my clothes. I put the rest of my clothes on and sit in front of my mirror. I brush my hair. I get my hair spray and my comb and tease my hair making it look purposely messy. I get my make up out and put my black eyeliner on with a little bit of black glossy lip gloss. As I'm about to get up to go down stairs I get my beanie on and put a hair tie on my wrist so I can put my hair up when I go swimming after school. I get up and go to my shelf and pull out my two combat knife that are in their protective covering and put them in my combat boots, one in each.
Feeling good about today having my two closest friends with me Jeffy and Sally my combat knifes. Sally is a pink camo handle knife with a black blade and Jeffy is a blood red handle with a black blade. They are always there for me when I need them. Either if its there when someone attacks or when I need to release my depression or anxiety pressing them into my wrist hard, they are always there for me.
