To: _____

the first day we met

The first day we met, I thought you were a silly goofball. I did not quite understand how you did the embarrassing things you did. I remember when the teacher moved me next to you, that that class wouldn't be the same. I enjoyed that class everyday, not the lesson but you. You made my day when I felt like crap. You were the only one who can make me smile so much. You knew all this too, you knew you can make me smile just by looking at me. It might sound odd, but just looking at your face made me smile.  The way you were so outgoing and kind had me falling for you. There was times that I thought you felt the same but just pushed the thought away and brought myself down as I watched you from afar. That first day was one I'd never forget, you were my first friend since I was new there and you made me feel welcomed and make more friends.
I sometimes wish I can go back to those times, sit next to you, talk to you, smile and laugh with you, just being at your presence.
I loved you so much. Not just puppy love, but head over heals love. You were my first love and you still are. I miss the times we spent together, the way your friends would tease us and say we'd make a good couple as we both looked away blushing. The way we'd make eye contact and quickly look away and look back making the blood rush to our cheeks. What happened to those times? Why can't we even be friends at least? Was it that time I got us both in trouble because that stupid teacher was having a bad day? Or did you loose interest?
You don't know how much it hurts when I look at you and see right past you, the way I can't see the love in your eyes as you have a dead expression plastered among your face. Was it that I never confessed to you? I am and still are a coward. The way you look at me like any other person, the way you avoid me like I had a disease.  Why? Why? Why do you do this to me? Where did I go wrong? Do you have someone else? All these stupid question I wonder as you most likely don't. I'm jealous at the way you forgot about me so quickly.  Nothing happens over night. I guess it's my turn to move on, and trust me, I would but it's those times that I don't give up yet.  When you look at me and you DO smile, wave and talk to me a little. But then the next day,  I'm invisible to you. Do you like playing with my emotions? I've tried to find someone else but my mind always traces back to you. I know you know that I like you. But that's all you know,  you don't know that I love you, that you're the only person in this world who can crush me mentally and physically with just three words.
"I hate you."
I look at you and see how much we've separated apart since 3 years ago. When we first met, I know regret that day. I want to erase all memories I have with you. Good and bad. I hate how you always haunt my dreams and mind. But at the same time,
I love you so much with all my heart.
Love,
your "secret" admirer.