Why does it always have to be alcohol?
I looked down at the empty bottle. I almost felt like scoffing at my own pathetic behavior but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was too numb. It's been a couple months. What are you doing? Are you still with her? What was up with that anyway?
Are you actually dating? Already? I'm still sitting here drinking my heart out. Why don't you come back? It's been so long since I've had a decent amount of sleep or a few hours of sobriety that I can almost imagine what it'd be like if you walked back into my apartment.
I remember I had even told myself, even reminded myself on multiple occasions, that I was so fucked when you left me. Not that I didn't have faith in us but it was something that I just thought about.
If we were ever to separate; I was fucked.
It was something that I was resigned to. I knew what was to come and yet even now, as I'm slowly losing my mind, I can't regret not leaving. I'd do it all over again. Except, I'd try to figure out a way to make you stay.
Back to you. What's her name? What does she do? I bet she's super successful and independent. She looks like the business woman type. I couldn't see you with someone who is so independent. Confident but not too independent. She doesn't seem like the marrying type. You do still want to get married right? She hasn't sucked the life out of you? She looks like the type. A bit bland.
Can I rant to you for a second? How come you went from someone like me...to someone like her. We aren't the same, right? She wears simple dresses and plain heels. I'm more of an organized mess. All over the place yet not too much.
Okay, I think I'm done.
How have you been? How have you really been? You know I can tell when you're lying.
How am I?
I don't know. I want to say miserable but not quite. Lifeless but not quite. I'm fully aware of the pain that ripples through my chest whenever anything happy comes my way. Things that I used to enjoy. Kind of numb and cold when I'm doing nothing, which is usually what I'm doing. It's easier.
I can feel myself get that feeling that I should pull myself out of this and there have even been times when I've gotten up and planned on getting dressed, going out, doing something. But it hurts. I find myself in the middle of picking out clothes for the day and just lose my train of thought. Where am I going? Why? I should just stay here...yeah that sounds like a good idea. Then I go back to sitting on my chair by my vanity and table.
I look into the mirror sometimes but try not to do that for too long. There's a part of me that realizes that this is crazy. That I shouldn't be acting like this. So catatonic. Am I paler than I usually am? Have my eyes sunken into my face more or is that from lack of sleep? Do I look sick or is that my emotion showing through, altering my vision. I look horrible.
I look at the table too. The table and window are my favorites. Looking at the table helps numb my thoughts. Looking out the window does as well since the curtain is usually there. Sometimes the sun is shining and gives it that glow. If I'm feeling particularly delirious, I imagine up crazy things. I am crazy.
How do you spend your time? Is it with her?
I usually sit here. Going on barely five minutes to 20 minutes of sleep (if I'm lucky). Maybe a little food that he brings me. I have a mostly liquid diet now: wine. I could always go for something harder but I don't know. There's something about chugging, or sipping, out of a wine bottle that makes you feel pretty good.
I think he misses you too. He used to hang out with you when he wasn't with me. He doesn't hang around me much anymore. I don't do anything.
I do have one accomplishment that I've been trying to keep reminding myself of; I haven't cried. Not once. I knew I'd never cry over a guy. Not one tear.
I don't know what else to talk about. I mean, things are going pretty good for you and not so much for me. That's it.
The bottles empty, I need a new one.
