Being "Different"

Chapter One

"I love you. And don't you ever forget that I will always love you." Tears were streaming down my face as I hugged my mom tightly and close to me. "DON'T GO PLEASE I NEED YOU! FATHER'S CRAZY WHY CAN'T YOU TAKE ME WITH YOU?!" She just looked at me with the saddest expression I've ever seen. We both knew why she couldn't take me.

Skip to a few months before this. I was a good student, a religious son, and my family loves me. Or so I thought. It all started going down hill when I started having certain... thoughts in the locker room. My dad always said "You have to join sports because it's the manly thing to do. Are you a man or a helpless stupid woman?" I always replied with "A MAN!" but I knew that wasn't true. I could never be a man, not in his eyes. Only a demon. When gay people started demanding that gay marriage be legal, my dad was furious. The household became tense, and he was always yelling about "How faggots were going to make us gay like them" and "They're going to force us to be sinners and marry the same gender." I was always a follower of my father's words, but these words started to not make sense. One day I asked him "How are they going to convert us? I heard they're born gay. And I doubt they're going to force us to marry them. It seems like they just want to married." After I said this my mother gave me a woeful look. I regretted my sentence immediately and looked at my father. There was fire in his eyes, and he had a knife in his hand. "Go... to your room... RIGHT NOW." I ran up to my room, and started fearing for my life. I heard footsteps and turned around as my father entered the room. In his hand he had a belt, and I immediately began sobbing. "I'M SORRY FATHER IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN PLEASE NOT AGAIN!" He just stood there tightening his fist around the belt. "I believe you" he would say "But just to make sure..." he raised the belt "I HAVE TO BEAT THOSE THOUGHTS OUT OF YOU!" The beatings were unbearable, and they often left bruises, gigantic red marks, and he even drew blood occassionally. Every thing hurt, and I wondered what would happen if I even mentioned my tiny feelings for boys.

So I decided not to tell him. Only Mom. She would understand. She always took care of me after the beatings and she always didn't pay attention when father was preaching. She'd understand. Right?

One day me and her were on the couch watching TV. Father had fallen asleep and Mom was stroking my hair. After a while her arm went limp and she didn't move it after awhile. I assumed she was asleep, so I just began to vent to someone who was seemingly unconscious

"I just... I just don't feel like I belong in this family. I hate sports and Father is always beating the living shit out of me. What did I ever do to him to deserve this? Life is just so hard. Everyone expects me to be this 'Manly Man' and I just don't think I live up to the expectations. I hate sports, I don't like getting dirty, and I don't even like girls!"

Oops. That's when the door to the living room creaked open. It was father, staring at me, horrified. His horrific expression was soon replaced by true and pure anger and hatred. He grabbed me by the wrist as my mother tried to pull me away from him. She was awake this whole time? That quickly slipped my mind as he dragged me to the master bedroom and locked the door so my mom couldn't get in.

"You're a demon! A sinner! A FAG! NO FAGGOT IS GOING TO LIVE IN MY HOUSEHOLD! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME AND YOUR MOTHER? HOW CAN YOU CHOOSE TO BE GAY AFTER I TOLD YOU SPECIFICALLY THAT IT WAS A MORTAL SIN?! YOU'RE GOING TO HELL FOR THIS YOU FAG!"

He whips out his belt and smacks me with it. Over and over again without stopping he hits me and hits me. It's unrelenting and it hurts so fucking bad. I begin to cry, and he shouts at me to be a man. Then I made the mistake of shouting back.

"LOOK I HAVE SOMETHING'S TO SAY THAT YOU CAN'T BEAT OUT OF ME. FIRST OF ALL, BEING A MAN DOES NOT MEAN THAT I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING. SECOND OF ALL I WAS BORN GAY. YOU CAN'T TELL ME I CHOSE TO BE BEATEN THE FUCK OUT OF BY YOU. WHY WOULD I CHOSE THIS?! WHY WOULD I CHOOSE BEING SHAMED BY MY OWN FAMILY, THE PEOPLE I COULD TRUST! WHY SHOULD I CHOOSE TO BE DIFFERENT THEN EVERYBODY ELSE, AND TO BE BULLIED CONSTANTLY, AND BY YOU NONETHELESS?! THIS ISN'T A CHOICE FATHER. I NEVER WANTED TO BE GAY, BUT I AM, AND YOU CAN'T BEAT IT OUT OF ME!"

He stops for a second, his fist slackening on the belt. As this happens I relax as I see he's not going to hit me.

"But I can sure as hell try."

He grabs the belt and swings it at my face. SLAP. Black. I can't see anything and blink and some light comes through. I can hear my father yelling" "GET UP" but it sounds like cotton balls are in my ears. I look up and begin to get up and restore my hearing. But before I can barely get on all fours I hear him say "PATHETIC FAG!" And he brings it down. Black. But this time I didn't wake up so quickly.

I woke up in my room with aching all over. That was one of the worst beatings I've ever had. I had scabs from last night from the dry blood, cotton shoved up my nose, lips like Kylie Jenner, and two shiners. Don't get me started on the bruises and red marks. There was just long strips of purple and red. I try not to move but I hear commotion outside. I hear my name being thrown into the mix. I decide to start to move but instantly feel pain. Goddammit father has a really good arm. I make it out and look down into the entrance of our home from the stairs.

"Now you go up there, tell him you love him, but you have to go. Or I swear to God I will beat the literal living shit out of him. And never come back again."

It was at this moment that I realized father was holding something. I move in to get a closer look and the object appears to be a loaded gun. I audibly gasp and regret my shock immediately. I bolt to my room and wince at the pain. I dive into my bed and pretend to sleep but can't stop myself from crying. I hear footsteps and I immediately stifle my crying. I hear the door open and wait for father to punish me for hearing that. I feel a hand on my shoulder, and then a voice.

"Kyle I know you're awake." I immediately start sobbing. I love the sound of mothers soft and smooth voice. And then those damned words pass her lips: "I love you. And don't you ever forget that I will always love you." The tears are uncontrollable and I don't want her to leave. But she explains everything. If she didn't go he would kill me. If she did go, he promised not to beat me often. I couldn't go with her because father would accuse her if kidnapping. After she explained this the tears wouldn't stop. She had no choice. He held her at gunpoint, and threatened to kill me before her eyes. I had to let her go. I had to.

So she did, and as soon as she left with tears in her eyes, my father came in with fire in his. He had his belt in his hand, but it was different. It had metal on it, all over it. And in his other hand he held a metal paddle with some little spikes on it.

"Now let's see if I can't beat that gay out of you."

I was alone and helpless. No one was going to save me.