Falling Daisies

Chapter 24

Treading over the pieces she crumbles at my side and she holds me close, just like she did when Dad died. We sat like this and rocked because he had gone. This must mean to her, I am gone already.

“I don’t want to die, Mummy. I don’t... Please. Make it stop. Mummy, I don’t want to die... I don’t want to die, Mummy. Please. PLEASE... Get it to stop hurting me!”

My heart is aching and I feel its beat tight in my chest. It hurts to do this. It hurts to cry and it hurts more to see her cry.

Who is going to save her? She shouldn’t have to do this. Why her? Is it because she chose security over love? Is this her punishment? Are you taking us all away to show what a life without love does?

Help her please, god, help her.

“Mummy, I’m so scared... Will it all go black? Or will there be light? I have to believe there will be light because I can’t think it’s just going to stop. I need to know what happens now! I need to...”

I falter and choke on my words and she sits and soothes. She rubs my back lovingly as I cough, purging my pain. I’m coughing up blood now and I cry and scream as I see it on my hands when I wipe my mouth. I’m slowly malfunctioning from the inside out and I can’t do it anymore.

I need to stop. I need it to stop.

I think of Ben now. And Lucy. I’m glad he picked her, I’m glad he went on. And then I think of the note lying undisturbed under my pillow. Soon he would read it and everything would be ok, it had to be ok for someone. It was comforting to know that love was still going to exist even after I ceased to. I’m glad I brought them together. They both deserve love. They are broken too but I want them to mend. I am past the point of mending... but knowing they still can go on, if they have each other... it’s a comfort, even if it rips my heart in two greater than this cancer does.

I still love him, of course I do. He brought things to my life no one else ever could, but the love he has for her comes from desire, not duty. I needed him more than he needed me and it would have killed me more if this was the final way he saw me. Reduced to this. Pushing him away was the only way to save him.

Be happy. Be so, so happy.

I smile and I feel my Mum hold me tighter, gazing at my hysterical expression and maybe mistaking it for delirium. Maybe that is what it is. Maybe I am delirious. Delirious in the realisation; that this is it... It had to be it.

It had to be now.

“I love you mummy.” I whisper, not looking at her but at the tiny bottle of pain relief pills placed innocently on the table top.

Then my mum begins to sing me my lullaby, the one that had soothed me to sleep so many times when it came from the lips of my parents; both my wonderful parents. It was the lullaby that chased away the nightmares and brought about the deep, peaceful sleep I craved as a child.

The deep, peaceful sleep I crave now.

I feel the tears roll down my cheeks as I let myself be overcome by the words one last time...

Say goodbye, my own true lover

As we sing a lover's song

How it breaks my heart to leave you

Now the carnival is gone

I want this pain gone. It has to be now.

High above, the dawn is waking

And my tears are falling rain

For the carnival is over

We may never meet again

I will see you again in heaven Mummy; we’ll all be together again.

Like a drum, my heart was beating

And your kiss was sweet as wine

But the joys of love are fleeting

For Pierrot and Columbine

I know you will never stop loving. I know you will all kneel by my graveside and weep but you must be happy Mummy.

Now the harbour light is calling

This will be our last goodbye

Though the carnival is over

I will love you till I die

Though the carnival is over

I will love you till I die

I will love you always.

I will love you till I die.

...I’m going to go see my Daddy now.