People have recently been telling me I look sadder than usual but really, I'm sad all the time and lately I haven't had the energy to hide it. I have no energy physically and emotionally at the moment. Sleeping is just so hard when you can't stop thinking. I need to talk about it but I feel that if I do tell someone about the blankness, the numbness and the nothing I would be seen as weak and vulnerable. I don't matter.
I want to die and apparently that makes me a bad person. The truth is that every day is a nightmare being replayed over and over again in my head. I don't understand it perfectly myself and my feelings are almost impossible to articulate. I can remember the day 9 year old me realised she was not special and had just struggled in to existence and was just going to slip silently back out of it.
I fantasise about the end way too much. It comforts me in some sick sort of way. Some days I am convinced I have given up and on others I try to stay and I don't know why. Sometimes I don't look left and right when I cross the road or I stand on the edge of the platform and say,
"One day I will jump."
Once I believed I was doing better and I fell right back. I asked myself "why?" But really I changed the scenery but not the situation. Nothing messes with me more than my own thoughts. I can be mid way laughing at a joke with my 'friends' and then it hits me like a bullet through the the skull that my only friends are the loneliness and the blade at 3am in the morning.
This sounds dramatic but I truly believe that because things haven't got better in 3 years, then maybe I was just meant to be sad with my lungs full of water inevitably drowning in life. I am going to be sick for however much longer I live. This is how it's going to be. Take this how you like but I don't want to live like this.
