Catsclaw

       Serena the Abyssinian cat saunters onto the bridge, tail waving high in the air, a look of supreme confidence on her furry face. Padding softly towards the captain's chair, she gives a little meep anticipating her next course of action. Marking the captain's chair as her own personal space, Serena hops onto the chair. Performing a graceful, yoga-like stretch of her back muscles, Serena notices an annoying amount of tension between her shoulder blades. Serena deliberately presses a paw on a certain button on Kirk's armchair and settles in contentedly, allowing deep, throaty purrs to come from her feline vocal chords...

      Several minutes later, two things happen simultaneously; the captain enters the bridge and the cat leaps down from the chair.

         "Captain on the bridge!" says Lieutenant Uhura. Captain Kirk acknowledges her greeting with a brief nod. "Captain, you look unusually tense this morning." remarks Uhura.

         "Yes, I've been feeling tense ever since we came back from that OTHER Enterprise. I think I'll         program the chair to massage. Ah, I already programmed it for massage." Kirk settles into the chair contentedly, feeling the kneading motion of the chair on his severely hardened muscles.

        "Ahh, ahh, ahhh, ahhh, a-ow, ow, ow, OW! Owwww! WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!" exclaims Kirk, jumping out of the chair. All eyes widen as the crew takes in the damage inflicted on the back of their captain. Kirk stands, panting as he leans against the arm of the chair with blood pouring from his wounds, which are not unlike what damage would have been done if it had been feline claws, like Serena's but five to ten times the size and twice as sharp, working on his back. The flesh is torn almost to the bone, his raw muscles gushing with bright red blood and stringy, whitish pus, obvious signs that the injuries are already infected. The captain's shirt, usually yellow, is in tattered, red shreds along his back, the blood soaking through the fabric and toward his torso as well as down his pants. Kirk obviously feels worse than he looks; his eyes are glazed over in pain, the wounds more painful than anything he has felt before. The captain can feel the strength draining out of him, his head beginning to feel light.

         Realizing that he is in no way, shape or form capable of commanding a Starship in his current state, Kirk weakly presses the com button and says, 

            "Captain to Sickbay; Bones, your worst patient will be there shortly. Kirk out." Kirk straightens up slowly and in agony. Looking around the bridge, he notices Serena, who is acting as a leg warmer for Uhura. An all-too-innocent expression is on the cat's furry face. A thought occurs to Kirk, "Note to self; never trust the chair if it is already set to massage. I wonder...could            that cat somehow have learned to program my chair?"

            "It is not beyond the realm of probability, sir," Spock chimes in. "After all, this is the same              feline who managed to program cat food into the replicator."

           "Aye, I remember it well." says Scotty. "I was cleaning cat food out of the replicator all                    morning!"

              Having caught the culprit, Kirk turns to Sulu and says,

                 "Mr. Sulu, please escort Serena to the brig; WEAR ARM PROTECTION THIS TIME!"

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Many thanks and dedication of this story go to our friend ElfDwarfWannabe, who helped us with the gore writing. As you know by now if you have read this, 'Elf' is very good at accurate descriptions.