I have never been the happiest person alive, but I still wake up and go through the day, with coffee being the only thing keeping sane. I am a very zen person. I mean I live a very tranquil lifestyle. ̈Wake up in the morning drink coffee, go for a run, come home and read." I had just recently converted religions. Baptist to Buddhist. Probably the best change I have ever made in my life. I love reading, drawing, traveling, and I usually keep to myself. So when someone comes around and is like "let me be your friend" I am hesitant.
Let me just tell you something. There was this boy that I became friends with last year. We became very close as time continued, and eventually progressed to something more than that. He was my best friend, and most importantly the only person that I could go to about anything. For a while we were inseparable. No one could tear us away from each other. Eventually something happened, and many arguments circulated. We fought everyday, but somehow managed to remain close. We were like two conflicting seasons. I was summer and he was winter, very cold, and very distant. While I was summer. Carefree, tranquil, and free. Nothing in the world could hold me down from reaching what I wanted, while he was tied down, and detached. I wanted to reach a place of nirvana, and he had the arrogance of a blind man trying to describe something he has never seen.
It was us against the world, until the countless arguments persisted and we had both had enough. I have never been a quitter. I stayed for as long as I could and endured all the mental pain that this relationship was causing. I'll admit this. It sucked. It really did. I wanted to make it work. But everything I knew about him and what I really wanted from him wasn't going to change. I cannot express the amount of love I had for this one particular boy, and if I could, it would be a jumbled mess. After the strain on my brain from this relationship I lost feelings. Nothing felt the same. I would no longer get butterflies when I came across his name, nor would I smile when the sound of his laughter filled my ears. I pondered the thought of leaving many times, but never could bring myself to do it. I was tired. Tired of trying, tired of being brushed under the rug, and just plain tired of trying to save something that was beyond saving.
Then the day came. The day that we mutually agreed end things. All at once I felt the relief of not having to put up with the emotional strain of this toxic relationship, and it was like a wave crashing down on a rocky shore. Somehow pleasing, but incredibly painful. They say that opposites attract and maybe that is true. We were both the same person, but in different bodies. We collided like the day and night, a constant look of beauty to all others not involved, but an endless war to those who were . It hurt like hell. I cried myself to sleep, wondering why I had ever wished to have him out of my life. He had me wrapped around his finger. I regretted every single thing that tarnished our relationship. Everyday was a constant battle for him and I. I would text him and he would reply, playing his mind games. I was so dumb to think that he would come to me, begging to have me back into his life. Countless mind games, and tears unfolded right before my eyes. I could not believe it. I was left alone in the dark once again. I spiraled into my own despair, and there was no turning back.
A month or so later I met this guy. I won't say any names, but he saved me from myself. We had previously encountered each other before, but did not on this level, just for the sole fact that I respected my previous relationship. When he came along, he became a big part in my life. I will not lie, but I was terrified. He had came into my life like a sudden flame; blazing and streaming into my heart. I was uncertain of what his intentions were. With my mind guarded, I proceeded with caution. It had taken me a while to get used to his presence filling the hole in my heart, but somehow I found myself welcoming it with open arms.
We became close after that. Spent a lot of time together, and I found myself growing fond of the time we had spent together. Sooner or later I began to feel the same emotion that I felt with the boy I had long forgotten, with him, and I swear by God something went off inside of me. I'm not sure what it was, but something about him was pulling me towards him, and it was addicting. I found myself getting better. The weight of guilt, anger, and the longing to be happy had been lifted of my shoulders. I wanted to spend to spend every waking moment with him, no matter what was going on at the time, the thought of him filled my mind, and before I knew it, I was falling once again, but this time it was different.
A famous author once said "Summers are indifferent to the trials of young love. Armed with warnings and doubts and he and I gave a remarkably convincing portrayal of a boy and girl traveling down a very long road with no regards for the consequences." This one boy helped me forget the void that once filled every ounce of my being, and I was happy. Genuinely happy. This boy and I are two seasons. He is the purgatory of winter and spring. Blossoming into something beautiful. Rough but the epitome of perfection itself. And I am summer. Carefree, tranquil, and finally free.
