Waiting

12.15.14

I know this is hurting you, but if you only knew how much this is hurting me too, I think you'd be hurting a little less for yourself and a little more for me.

I've loved you more fiercely than I've ever loved anyone.

You're the one I wanted to go gray with

My eyes are welling up with tears, my chest is heavy.

It can't end like this.

All I can think about right now is all the empty promises I made.

All the plans we had for our future that mean nothing now.

I'm sorry that this happened.

I'm sorry that we risked this.

I'm sorry that you ended up getting hurt even though it's the one thing I swore I'd never do.

I want you to know, more than anything, that this was not my intention.

It was never my intention to get you attached and then leave you out in the deep end.

My intention was to love you for all of the days of my life.

And even though I can no longer have your heart, I want you to know that you'll always have a piece of mine.

I'll miss you always.

The way you looked at me and smiled.

The way you stared.

The way you'd whisper "Tori baby" in an effort to get me to calm down those nights when I could do nothing but cry.

The messages you'd leave for me to wake up to when you couldn't sleep at night.

To be honest, I thought this would help; writing out my feelings.

But it's like pouring salt in my wounds.

But maybe that's the first step to moving on.

The truth is, I don't wanna move on.

I want things to go back to the way they were last April.

Before this mess.

When we could have prevented this.

But maybe this was good.

Maybe we needed this.

I know I did.

I needed you.

You were an angel sent to me from Heaven.

I have no doubts that you'll be an amazing husband to someone who is far more deserving of you than I.

I know you hurt now, but please don't let this scare you from love.

Please.

I know you don't wanna hear it, but I swear to you, there WILL be someone else and you WILL love her.

Way more than you could ever imagine loving me.

And when you meet her, don't hold back.

Give her 10000% of you.

Give her everything you have to give because, chances are, she's going to need you more than I did.

I wish we could remain in contact as friends, but we both know that could never work.

I'm deeply sorry for this.

Believe me, I am.

I just can't stand being a liar.

Who knows?

There could be a time and a place for us.

But for now, my love, we have to part.

I love you with every fiber of my being.

You have to know that.

It won't ever change.

At least, not anytime in the near future.

Goodbye, for now.

It's been wild.