Life Advice

Unhealthy Friendship Breakup

This is for my dear friend in real life named Ophelia, who recently went through a friendship breakup with her school friends. It is pretty harsh, having been dumped by a whole clique who thought you were demanding and clingy. We all have our flaws, don't we? We just need the right people to accept us. So how do we get through a friendship breakup?

To begin with, think about the friendship. Was it healthy in the first place? What is a healthy friendship? Think about your priority in a friendship. What's the most important thing you need? And what is the trait you can deliver that they ask for? Do they complement each other?

A friendship must be comfortable. As long as one of you isn't, then the friendship is just as good as having fake friends. To me personally, I don't need a lot. I just want a grateful friend. What I can give is loyalty and care. A healthy friendship is when you are comfortable with each other, without any secretive grudge or awkward feelings. If the friendship was already strained at some point, then maybe it was the right choice to end it, no matter how long it has been kept. Likewise, the health of the friendship is a major factor you need to reflect on.

For my personal experience, as mentioned, I am one who is loyal and caring. I keep in mind that many will neglect care. I've heard the phrase "You don't really care about me" thousands of times in my life. It's normal. Everyone has trust issues. It's how the world works. And I sometimes get a "Whatever" or a "yeah okay" which indicates that they could care less about my advice when I try to talk some sense into them.

I should be depressed because I'm unappreciated by fact, but I'm not. They only motivate me to strengthen my morals because it convinces me that the world really needs people who will show continuous support to their friends. Nonetheless, there came a point of time when my morals crashed down due to a friendship breakup as well.

For years, I was friends with an insecure girl. We had our differences, but we clicked pretty well. She was corrupted by society, always self-conscious about her image, dumbing herself down when people praised her, but also did everything she could to boost her own self-esteem, such as self-praising herself.

She craved attention and popularity, just like any other person in society. I wasn't a popular student myself, but there were several times when she compared herself to me and always dumbed herself down, causing me to feel sympathetic as she was constantly debating whether to love herself or not. This happened on numerous occasions, namely when a boy we both once had a crush on returned feelings for me instead of her, and when I blossomed friendship with others.

These are times when friendship is being put to the test. I believe strongly in "Treat people the way you want to be treated". During the first problem, I put myself in her shoes and I knew that she'd definitely be jealous if I was seen with our crush. It was really hard for me to juggle between the both of them.

I thought it would be selfish of me if I were to ever spend time with him, but you know what? She was the one who always pushed me to be with him, even little details like literally pushing me to stand beside him. In the end, it always ended up in her scolding me because I left her side and claimed that she wasn't important to me. She forced things. She was conflicted between letting me be happy and letting herself be happy. To many, she was abusing me because I cried many times. To me, however, she was just a confused girl who needed someone to understand her pain.

During the second problem, which occurred many times because I was naturally a friendly person, it was really hard to juggle my friendships when she wanted to claim me as her own. I was her friend, and only hers. She was afraid I would leave her side to be with others. It's totally normal. She wanted loyalty, and it was my job as a friend to deliver that. There are many people in life who don't believe in "The more, the merrier", because of the social circle comfort zone.

However, there are limits. I realised it's not fair that she always liked to keep me like a bird in a cage. I know it's very stupid of me, and I don't take that as an insult, but it took a lot of convincing from many parties over three years before I truly felt that the friendship between us was not healthy. We constantly fought, more than how often best friends usually do.

She often used guilt trip methods, to unknowingly take advantage of my soft hearted sympathy. I was always the bad guy. And if I didn't think so at all, she'd make herself sound like the bad guy just to make me sorry. She was never good at delivering a polite tone either. Her apologies never sounded sincere. In her apologies, she'd still insert words to make me feel guilty about myself. For instance, "I truly am sorry for what I did that upset you, even if you could not see that I was trying to be a good friend towards you." She'd never admit the errors in her ways, but rather defend her positions and place errors in my ways.

So we decided to part for good, on my call. She let me decide if we were to take a break, for your information. I understand from her point of view, that she was handing me the gun and trusting me not to shoot at her. I shot her(omg not literally, just an expression) when I told her I wanted us to part away for good. She exploded on me instantly, her guilt trip techniques flying all over the place. She blamed me straight in caps saying I changed, pushed me away further, asked me if our friendship meant nothing, made herself sound like a damsel in distress by asking me who she would hang out with when I'm with others, then dumbed herself down saying she was stupid to (even using a "laugh" emoji) believe I'd stay a loyal friend.

None of that made me go back to her though. I swear, this felt like the most evil thing I had ever done. Everyone told me it was for a good cause, and although I agreed with them after seeing her colours and desperation, a part of me felt like I just broke my morals.

I can totally understand Ophelia, who was in the place of my old best friend being left. Ophelia's story is different, having tried to clear up tension with her group mates, but only to have herself kicked out of her clique for being complicated and demanding. She got dumped, but I told her, it would have been fruitless anyway if you didn't try to fix matters. If she didn't try to, the group would have been broken either way. So it was a good thing that she parted away from them.

So people, friendships may be essential, but you must always feel comfortable in your friendship. Even if it hurts you or the other part to leave them. It may seem selfish to put yourself first, but question yourself if you've always been doing that. Have you? Or have you once tried to patch those holes? Don't be sad if you're the one who got left behind either, because remember that something good can always come out of something bad. The day could rain, and destroy your plans of playing outside, but after the whole matter, you see a beautiful plant finally growing out of the ground.

Don't feel too affected, yeah? There are many people out there who could click with you better. Perhaps they can't meet up with you always, but it's not the quantity of time spent together, but the quality. My friendship was not the perfect type, having spent years together but constantly holding grudges and fighting at each other's errors. Ophelia's wasn't either, having spent years together without knowing her friends had secretive grudges against her.

Spend some time with your other friends, or confide in your family, just confide in someone whom you trust with this matter. It is through the darkest times such as this, when we realise who our true friends are, who the right people in our lives are.

I'm here, if anyone needs me 😘