Where's Konan?! (parody-fic)

Sayuri sat up, unsure if her back ached from sleeping on the hard ground or from her not-quite-right, way-too-big breasts. She ran a hand through her hair and was surprised to find that it became empty a half foot before it should have. After stretching, she rubbed her eyes until they were awake enough to open and found herself looking at a canopy of treetops with the pale shimmer of moonlight seeping between the leaves. Confused and completely disoriented, Sayuri stood and began walking in the direction which she hoped civilization might be. After about 45 minutes of silence, the groggy teenager reached the edge of the tree line, and was finally awake enough to wonder where the hell she was.

Well, maybe not quite alive enough for that, but definately hungry enough to wonder why there were no freaking Jack-in-the-Box's around when you needed them. The street she found herself on was in no way bustling with people, but there were multiple pedestrians out and about. It couldn't have been that late, so Sayuri took a left and shuffled along until something stopped her dead in her tracks..... The intoxicating smell of Tomorokoshi pulled Sayuri to an unpopulated Yatai. She stepped into the shelter and found the cook wiping down the counter.

"Hello," Sayuri greeted while she seated herself. Her voice came out sounding dark and soft, as if her lips were made of purple velvet and it was slowing down her words, making them more mysterious than they should be.

"What can I do ya for?" Asked the man before he looked up. Once he did, sweat beaded on his browand his face flushed, making Sayuri think that maybe her boobs actually had grown.

"One order of Tomorokoshi with butter please." Again, her voice sounded completely and totally not her own.

The cook fumbled about, nervously working over the grill and handing the delicous, golden corn to her. "We're closing up for the night, please leave,"

"All right, let me just-"

"Please," The sweaty man gulped audibly.

Sayumi turned hesitantly and headed back to where she had come out of the forest.

"STOP! D-don't come any closer!!!" The loud voice of a young man caused Sayumi to choke on her corn. As she coughed up her left lung, the man stood awkwardly. "I-I don't care how strong you are! I can't let you by without a fight!"

"Hack, cough, die, revive, hack, wheeze, cough, gasp, pant," The previously choking girl wiped the tears from her eyes and cleared her throat. "What the hell?! Are you trying to kill me?!" She coughed again.

"Perhaps that was his goal, or maybe he meant to capture you for interrogation... Konan." The voice came from behind the man just before he fell to the ground in an unconsious heap, thus revealing a spiky, orange haired man with multiple peircings. "If, in fact, that is who you are,"

It was all the lucky girl could do not to faint, because indeed, Sayuri was lucky. She was talking to Pein, THE PEIN!!! And he had called her Konan.... The short hair, the humungus boobs, everything was falling into place. She died, and woke up in a bad fanfiction. Oh my God, she thought, I'm in Konan's body!!! Then, bless her frail fan-girl heart, Sayuri did faint.

　

"I appreciate you two coming swiftly," Pein's voice jerked Sayumi from unconsiousness.

"Ofcourse, when you explained to us the situation, I couldn't help but be intrigued." Her body went rigid at Orochimaru's hiss. Oh God, he's going to dissect me, and rape me, and expiriment on me, and eat me!!!!! Sayumi's now-not-so-irrational fear of the snake man made her ache with the need to run away screaming and wetting her pants - or whatever it was that she was currently wearing.

"It would seem as though our imposter is awake," Said Sasori's puppet, Hiruko.

Sayori's hair was yanked by Orochimaru, forcing to a sitting position.

"Orochimaru, you seem to have forgotten that we do not yet know whom this is," Pein warned, and Sayumi decided that she liked him.

She took a moment to notice that her hands were bound, and that they were in the forest. It was daylight, and the woods looked ironically cheerful. "I am so confused: you're probably going to kill me no matter what I say but that doesn't even make sense 'cause I'm already dead and none of you are even real and what the hell I might as well kick freaking Snake-for-dick over here and die with a little bit of self-fulfilment because I swear to God I'm in Konan's body and now I have huge boobs and an Akatsuki cloak and that's pretty cool except for the fact that you guys are bad guys right now and you don't have Itachi yet 'cause you still have him and he's super creepy and likes to convince little boys into running away with him and Pein's cooler than I thought he would be and has really pretty eyes and Sasori isn't even hot right now 'cause he's in Hiruko who's a gross old midget and I can't breathe!!!!! OH! MY! GOD! BREATHE!!!!!!!" Sayuri fangirled so hard that she was crying and was too busy breathing to realize what she had just said.

"Hiruko is a piece of art," Sasori corrected.

"I don't think she likes me," Orochimaru giggled.

"You believe that you've felt the pain of death," Pein clarified, causing everyone to go silent.

"Yes, I fell down a bunch of stairs and hit my head really hard... I bled out all by myself..." Sayumi was confused by that fact. "It was really weird..."

"So after you died, you were transfered into someone else's body? How fasinating..." The serpent man stepped forward.

"Hey, no, don't! You stay away from me you creep! For all you know I could turn back into the real Konan at any time and she won't be too happy if she wakes up and you're doing whatever it is you do to your pitiable experiments to her!"

Orochimaru stood up straight and looked at Pein. "I am rather interested to see how our new guest was capable of this full body possesion..."

"Your knowledge on the subject will not be required, Orochimaru." Pein assured. "Sasori, I trust that you will take care Konan's body along your journey."

"'Konan's body' has a soul inside of it, FYI." The Akatsuki prisoner spoke up. "My name is Sayuri, but for those of you ophiophilists out there, you may call me nothing. Don't talk to me. I hate you."

"I will be leaving now....Sayuri..." Pein hesitated, as if contemplating whether he should address her as a real person. "I have other matters to attend to."