I Am His Chaos.

Chap. 2- I Am Only His

There are 2 paths to my house. One is easy to navigate, safer but a shorter distance. The other, has off roads and a path through the forest. It's the longer route but it gives me time to think about my day and this new art teacher was making my thoughts run together.

Why would he want to come here, in this small town in the south? Why did he want to leave Chicago, a city brimming with opportunity and promise? And WHY was he so fixated on talking to me? I wasn't even close to interesting.

I stepped out of the forest path and made my way into the subdivision of my neighborhood. My house was was at the end of the road, looking out onto the cul-de-sac.

I waved at Mr. Johnson, the widowed neighbor who was out watering the flowers in front of his house. His wife planted them before she passed away of cancer a few years back.

I check the mailbox, pulling out more shiny college pamphlets addressed to me.

My phone buzzes in my pocket but I make no move to answer it. I know who it is. I climb the porch steps, noticing my mom's car in the driveway and I make my way inside; quickly trying to get to my room.

"Grace?" My mom calls loudly from the entrance to the living room. I close my eyes, sigh and call back. "Yes mom?" No answer. God I hate when she does that. Like she says she hates shouting in the house yet...

I walk into our living room and find my mom sitting on our couch, pantsuit still crisp and fresh, hair stretched back into a practical up-do, with a glass of wine in hand. At 3 in the afternoon.

"How was school?" She looked at the tv and I knew she was just loading up for the real question to shoot at me. "School was okay. How was work? My body already facing the direction of the stairs.

"How are you and Jason?" my mom released the real bullet, ignoring my question. "Fine." I said to the floor. "Mm,"my mom muttered and nodded wanting more information. She finally looked at me with displeasure.

"Mrs. Wells called me today and she told me that you and him were having a bit of a rough time. I see to it that's not true?" Mom and Jason's mom were determined to get me and Jason to spend the rest of our lives together. They basically force it. Every time I ignore Jason's messages or we have an argument Jason tells his mom we're "in trouble" or some stupid shit just because he knows I hate it.

I walk out of the room, pissed as hell as my mom keeps glaring at my back. Pulling my phone out of my pocket I look and see Jason's message. ...'I Need To Talk
To You'.. Just then as I reach my door I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I open the door and before me sitting on my bed is Jason. My heart skips a beat and not in the cute way. "Why are you here?" I say, my voice putting out more courage than I felt. "Why didn't you answer me when I messaged you?", he spat back, clearly beyond angry. "Why are you telling your mom everything about us?", I shout back. "Are you fucking yelling at me right now?" Jason bellowed. "No," I said quietly. "Sounded like it." Jason muttered. "Maybe if you wouldn't make me so stressed øut then I wouldn't have to yell at you!," gathering my irritation again. Jason ripped himself off my bed and strode over to me in 4 steps. He pushed me up against my door, trapping me between his arms which were right next to my head. "Raise your voice at me again, " Jason growled out, "and I swear to god Gracious, I will make you regret you EVER opening your mouth." I trembled under his gaze and looked past him out my open window. And just my luck, whosoever would happen to pass by sweaty, shirtless and annoyingly familiar?"

~~ Derek had his earbuds in listening to classical music as he finished put his run. Out of breath, he slowed to a walk, checked his heart rate and took a swig of water. He listened to classical music in every moment of his life, during his art creations, before sleeping, working out and everything else. As the piano crescendoed in his ear, he took in his surroundings. This was one of the good neighborhoods, two story, white picket fence dreams. He looked out and caught a glimpse of a curtain billowing out of an open window. If he squinted he could make out 2 figures in the upstairs room arguing. And if he just moved a little closer he could make out a young...girl...woman being trapped between a guy's arms on the wall. Derek wasn't exactly keen on eavesdropping or peeping but he felt a familiar tug of anger when he saw a man yelling at a woman. Or even the other way around. Especially when the woman looked so....young.... Who was that? Oh. Oh. It was Gracious. The beautiful girl he met in the class today. Why the hell was that guy yelling at her. Something, everything, about this girl drew him to her like magnet. The mystery behind her eyes, the way she moved and when she smiled, only once, he'd seen it and he wanted to see her smile a thousand times more. Gracious's eyes were staring past the guy who had her and looked out at...him? Derek acted like he was just taking a quick break and started jogging again, even though his workout was done. He turned down the cul-de-sac and kept running down the street, looking one more time behind him. But he only saw a closed window.

~~ As Jason kept yelling in my face, I watched Derek slow his jog, then glance around him as he took a swig from his water bottle. I hoped he wouldn't see me in my room looking and weak and on the verge of tears as my boyfriend yelled at me. "What the hell are you looking at?", my boyfriend roared as my eyes snapped back to him. He quickly turned and glanced out the window seeing Derek staring up at us from down below. "Him? You're acting like such a bitch right now, staring at every damn guy you lay eyes on?" Jason kept ranting as my eyes quickly glanced back at Derek. He was still staring at me. Damn it. I quickly looked away and calmly reached over to Jason. "Babe, please calm down. I'm not looking at anyone but you. Just please calm down okay?" Derek was already jogging away and I went over and quickly closed the window. At this, Jason seemed to visibly relax. I walked over to him, my heart still pounding, trying to concept the fact I just saw my new teacher I just met an hour ago, jogging on my street. Jason pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly, whispering into my hair, "You know I love you right?" "Mhm." I responded. He slowly pushed me back on my bed, my back hitting the mattress. As he propped himself on top of me, kissing my neck, I struggled to keep my mind of Derek. Shirtless. Sweaty. And looking at me.

I don't know why I do the things I do to and for Jason but I guess I was just codependent. He took one of my hands put it on his jean covered crotch. As he groaned, I smiled to myself. I hate doing this every time we "resolve" an argument but I don't want to make him more angry. As I got down on my knees, hair behind my shoulders, his jeans down his legs, my mouth wrapping around him I remembered why I wanted to do this. The way he groaned and put his head back eyes glassy, it turned me on. And I don't mean sexually. I mean... Within my mind I felt like I had the power over him for once. I could dictate the way he felt, how he reacted to my touch, how much I'd give him. He was under my control and I relished that. "Grace...I...", he groaned out barely able to make a sentence and my mind did a little happy dance. He was so weak and I loved it.

As he finished inside my mouth, his attitude returned some. "Fix yourself and hurry up about it." He quickly buckled his belt. "I have to be home for dinner, I'll text you after." He grabbed his backpack and without so much a kiss on the head, he slammed his way out of my room. The result of our "activity" made me feel like shit while he felt satisfied. I started crying like I always did after we did something like this. I felt like the worst person, like a whore. And all I could think about as I gagged around Jason, was Derek. Which made me feel worse. I just met the guy. What was wrong with me?

A few hours later as I was getting ready for bed, my phone buzzed with a text from Jason. Slowly I reply to him telling him I'm getting ready for bed. As a lone tear falls down my cheek, I wipe it along with my memories of the day.