Nightmares are becoming common for me. I toss and turn all throughout the night. I try to get as little sleep as possible, afraid that when I close my eyes that I will see everything I fear. I used to dream of sharks and dark room filled with vengeful shadows, of someone always standing behind me; but now, I dream of sirens and phone calls, of gunshots and blood. I always wake up with tears on my face and the names of the people I love stuck in my throat, making it impossible for me to breathe.
I don't pray anymore before I go to bed, I forgot what it feels like to believe. Maybe, it's actually because I don't want to believe in some Higher Being who has the ability to stop the hurt in the world but doesn't. I don't count sheep anymore, I don't want something to lull me to sleep and make me feel safe. I don't reflect on the day anymore either, because my anxiety can't take the doubts and screaming in my head when I think of all the stupid things I have done that day.
I write eulogies.
I write eulogies. I write one for every person I have ever loved. I write one for my dad, " He was a kind and loving man, would never hurt a fly. I got my love of comic books and video games from him." One for each of my brothers, " I was there when he was born and until that moment I had never realized how much I could love someone. He had come so far and I was so proud of him, my gentle giant." and, " He was hyper and loud, but that was why I loved him. He reminded me to have fun and enjoy life, that it was okay to pretend to still be a child and run around. He was my baby brother and a light in my life." One for my poppa, "He looked way more intimidating then he was, he was a big teddy bear. He let me get away with everything with a smile on his face, I was his only granddaughter and he treated me so well." I write one for all my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my friends and neighbors.
I have even written one for myself.
