My messed up- crazy life

Chapter 5!!!

I uploaded this like 10 minutes after part 4.... I just wanna show a few good things about kegan.. But again... Also some bad. Hope ya enjoy!

•••

~Xander~

I don't know why- but after what Ash said, she burst- literally- she cried into my shoulder. I just held her- her face was flushed and eventually her tears softened- she loaded up at me and threw her arms around my neck. Her head was looking at the door he had walked through- I can only imagine what she is going through-

•Kegan•

she didn't love me- she didn't care about me- I have loved her since... Since forever! She never fucking loved me- all the years I chickened out- all the times I just wanted to run up and kiss her- all the feelings I have ever had- gone...

When I first saw her hugging Xander, I almost punched the wall- or Xander's face, either or would do- when I heard my voice- the cold harsh one when I saw pure fear in her eyes... I remembered when we were 4, actually I was 5, I had been for a week- we went to the park, she kept jumping off the swing- even then I loved her- not full on love- but I somehow knew I couldn't bear to lose her. She jumped again. I said in the same deathly voice, "Ashley! Stop it, you'll die from a bird" I had improvised, even then I knew to avoid saying i couldn't lose her- and I was 5!

Fuck! Xander is a bastard! He knew I loved her- so why is he out there wiping HER tears- hugging HER?!?! That should be my job- but I blew my chance- FUCK!

{ash}

why now? Why not when I was a stupid girl!? Why would it take him THIS long to tell me this!?! I never loved him- I never will- but it would all be so much easier with this never happening!!!

God- why do you choose to do this to me?! Why do the sappy people on TV get to be happy! Do I have a happy ending?!

I let go of Xander- but his arms stayed around me- I felt safe- I haven't felt safe in a year... But how could the hug of a stranger make me want to fall asleep in his arms!

No- I won't do this again, not after all this- I will NOT get into more drama! He must've noticed I stiffened- and he gave me a gentle squeeze as he rested his chin on my head- I relaxed again- I need to pay this guy- I must have been sitting here for at least five minutes.

I snuggled in closer to his chest and fell asleep...

•••

I woke up and I was on a bench- the one outside school. I didn't instantly know what happened- I had to practically watch it in my memories again- I looked at my watch, it was only 4:23... I was asleep for a couple minutes- but when I looked around for Xander- I saw nothing- no one.

~Xander~

She fell asleep- I somehow didn't wake her up when I put her down on the park bench- I just looked down at her for a minute... no- I couldn't make her do this- she wasn't ready, she was trying to get around Kegan- she had to get through him on her own- if I was there when she did it- well, I'd only end up hurting her somehow.

I did the best I could to push away the need to wait for her- to be there- and got in my car, I watched her wake up and look around. ~did I do the right thing?~ she got tears in her eyes, then Kegan came again, I left my door a little bit open- just in case.

I saw her push him away, she tried to leave and he grabbed her hand again, this time she looked right into his eyes- she opened her mouth to say something- but he didn't give her the chance, he pulled her in and kissed her. It made my stomach hurt- I thought she could pull away- but I saw her slowly kiss back- then she roughly pushed him away- she punched him in the face, there's Ash!

He stumbled and tried to hold her back- I could see the regret I his eyes from here- she punched him again-

{ash}

{it was 6th grade- I had just lost a bet to Kegan- it was to see who could hold their breath the longest- I had let him win, I usually did, the winner got the loser's ice cream, the thing was, it was winter- I didn't need ice cream.

I handed over the cone and laughed as he got brain freeze- he nearly fell over. Then his phone buzzed- probably Katie. Katie was his girlfriend, or that's what everyone but him said- he laughed and texted back. I just waited, my grey skirt flowing around me. I hugged myself- this cold was too much for my sweat shirt.

I saw Kegan hand me his leather jacket, I gave him one of my genuine smiles- he hugged me, but it didn't feel... Right... Like he was avoiding something. He tells me everything- right? I ignored it.

Next I saw when we were only in first grade: Johnny had stole my pencil, Kegan sat there throwing paperclips from who knows where at him until he threw the pen at me- kegan rushed over to me- he asked if I was ok, and if I needed to go to the doctor, but instead of answering the teacher told him to sit down- he shouted, "but Ashley is dieing!" the teacher just laughed and told him I would survive...

I don't even know how I remember this... : I was bring picked on in kindergarten- so Kegan went around and told every kid in our grade I was a fairy, I remember telling him I couldn't be a fairy- because I didn't have any powers... He simply replied, "you cursed me..."

How do I remember this... How could after all that- he had just left me? How am I even stuck in this mess... I wonder where Xander went?}

I saw Kegan's car drive down the road- and a black one follow... is that where Xavier was? He had just left???

I plopped down on the hard, concrete ground and tried to focus on my breathing- then on the trees and the little stream by the parking lot... But I just couldn't shake off the worry I had grown in the last few days.

I finally got up and into my car- I drove home and looked through random stuff, finding something to do- I found an album... Maybe this would help.

It didn't- I saw pictures of me and kegan as kids... Slowly getting older- until the pictures just stopped- there was still most of the album empty... I smiled- Kegan was not the center of my life... I still needed to fill I the rest.

I checked the answering machine- there was a message from Benj! I had barely heard from him since he left for Lincon Prep! It was just him telling me what was going on... I notice a bit of an accent in his voice... Weird- Benj with a British accent...

•••

If u don't remember- Benj is ash's brother.

News: he at a brittish boarding school- u'll find out why later

Comment or fan!

I love you guys! Sososososososo much!!!

Love- cupcake :)