Vice

Greed

The first time I remember ever delving into greed was when I was 6 and it was christmas and I wanted to be a boy. That grew up to be an obsession with me and, I realise now, that my childhood has been made up of mostly boy things that I was quick to delve into. As an 18 year old I've come to love seeing Vin Diesel act in his movies such as Pitch Black ( I honestly say that he's the best guy ever to be made!) and Fast & Furious. Greed comes into play because as a girl wanting the impossible, you're bound to be a fluffy ball of selfishness. I wanted clothes that were hard on my mother's conscious to buy - boys clothing never came to suit my developing body - I'd act more like a man towards my Dad, in a household that demands respect and quiet girls being told what to do, or even punch my younger sister and brother in an act of toughening them  up. In so many little ways I was telling the world that I wanted to be a boy, and in doing so I was growing up and putting trouble to those dear to me. To this very day I will question Dad's choices and I will shout at Mum and I will be confusing to my sister and brother forever onwards. 

This greed of mine has impacted me in a great deal as well as other negative factors. And now that I've run away from home and calmed the hell down, I can see that it's just been hurting me in more ways than one. But, at the same time it's been morphing into this cannonball that sets off whenever I was in danger from those who wanted to do harm to me. And going to three different primary schools, all catholic, and the last two out of the three having been mortally damaging to my self-esteem, as well as family feuds that left us on the street, knee-deep in debt and crying most nights, the usual days being filled with growing kids swearing and shouting rather than being polite and quiet, has put a huge dent into me. Being greedy can inflict pain and it can come from a number of factors that are in our lives and it will affect everyone in the long-run.

Sometimes wanting something for yourself are not going to be things someone, or the majority of the population, might not want for themselves. And usually, that tad-bit of element is what keeps someone going for getting greedy. For me it was to be a boy, alone, away from this world, fly as a bird, be a writer, an inventor, an artist, to have lots of books based on fantasy, women and action, be a killer, a saviour, to be saved, to be lazy, to rule my own world, have harmony in my life, be a fighter (martial arts) to have a motorbike and to have millions of cats, live on a mountain, have my own kid, have millions of kids, be easy-going, have close friends, run in a forest, be beautiful, have no boobs.

These abnormal things I'd want would never be questioned or even challenged by anyone I knew who had their own brand of greed, and you know that only makes me build up more of what I want for myself because I don't feel guilty about it all.

I've acted on so many and yet they've been the ones I least wanted to act on. Being alone now means I'm away from my family, and that in itself is a blessing and a curse at the same confusing time in my life. At some stages in my life I get the time to think and say aloud to the open air,

"What the hell do I want for myself in the future?"

And usually it would end up as a list of animes, books, aspirations out of this world and what-not...but now, now all I can think in answer to that damning question is,

"I honestly don't know anymore."

And that's the worst answer anyone can come up with in relation to greed. Because if you don't ever have an answer to that question you end up not wanting anything. And not wanting anything basically surmises your life; You end up dead.

Dying is the absolute end of all things, the end of dreams, the end of love, the end of madness, the end of kindness; it's the end of everything. I have tried to kill myself, haven't we all? I was naked, in the shower and bawling my eyes out quietly after I got yelled at by Mum. Do you know the feeling when you have disappointed your family, the people you want happy, in my case my Mum, and they've become relentless in reminding you that you're shit and no one is going to be happy with you in the future and all you're going to be is the person who walks out on her family...do you understand the sudden feel of your heart thumping that much deeper in your chest, the sudden tightening of your vocal cords and throat. Do you understand how sensitive a 16 year old girl can be at that stage in her life when she's quiet and makes no step in trying to tell others how she feels, because she tried before and it's ended up in a fight where she's wrong and their right and that she's stupid...

Understand that this girl wanted to kill herself in order to not have her family not be worried, angry over her. Understand that she wanted to run away from the mess we all label as family, and that she just didn't want to have anything to do in life because, at that point, she, herself, didn't know what the hell she wanted to with herself. Understand that that girl was scared of everything that had to do with the future, had to do anything with graduating in two years time, had to do anything with getting a high paying job that was meant to support your family of brother, sister and parents.

But greed was my saving grace. I was too much of a coward to actually kill myself because the few scratches the razor did to me hurt more than what my parents would do to me physically. I was too scared of what God would do to me when I came up uninvited and unprepared. I was too scared of the punishment he'd inflict on my soul once I reached the Gates of Hell. I wanted to die, so badly that it hurt, but I was so scared of what would happen to me.

That girl ended up crying even more and hitting her head against the white tiles of her shower, under the heated spray of water, over and over again she'd say.

"I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself."

I want everyone to understand me, because talking is much too complicated for me to even handle. I'm being greedy and for these selfish purposes of mine, I'm going to show you all who I am because I'm greedy for recognition, for comments and for some understanding.

Hello everyone my name is Emily.

And I hope to all hell that this story comes out perfect for those misunderstood and general fucked-up people out there in the world. Because each and every one of us has their shits and giggles, but its those that actually do something in their lives that I write this story for; to actually show you all that there are more fucked up people out there in the world that are living still, and that they are trying to make a connection for you all to have a laugh at people like me; so that you can enjoy your day better.