When I first saw him

Before him

      Steven the boy who had great lips...I was in like with him giving him half my love and the rest to keep. Everything with him was chemistry I didn't have to second think whether I wanted him to hold me or hold my hand, but one thing I never let him do was kiss me, i know weird...even ironic but maybe you as the reader will know why as you keep reading...

 Our conversations were really as if it was just me and him in a world that had become desserted. 

    It was just us.

Nothing could change that...

Maybe there was something that could change that and something that our chemistry couldn't keep together...

My insecurities of not being good enough, pretty enough...

It wasn't love if I felt this way yet I conssumed our relationship as if it were honey and it would automatically cure me...  

Cure me of my self-hate, but what I have learned is that no one can really save you from your own self-hate even when you have someone that tells you "I love you"  because even then you still can't believe these three small yet crushing words.

 I was desperate for a cure... 

 A battle to be won...

 but this battle was just between me and the the demon in my head...

                          Our first date: letter to him i never sent

we met behind a church it was spontaneous and misleading... Yet I  loved the mistery and beauty of the bright blue wall of the cjurch building...

You told me 'close your eyes', I found this to be super corny and cute at once yet I knew you were hidding something behind your back and I was curious as to know what you had behind your back so I did as I was told...

You said ' Open them, now' in a really sweet voice i did as i faked a smile on my face and to my surprise you were holding a small bucket of icecream... i smiled this time for real... I looked at you and you already looking at me said, ' Yes,i remembered you said that you liked icecream and all i want to do is see you smile'

I grabbed the icecream with so much Joy that i forgot to even say thank you, you jokingly said, ' You forgot to say thank you' and i did. 

I remember feeling happy content with the moment...

   If maybe the moment were to last longer maybe I wouldn't have pushed you away after I told  you what I did to myself to cope with the pain I felt inside. I actually told you every hidden secret of my hurt to you and all you could do was tell me 'why?' and ' i'm sorry'

  Later on November 24, I  sent you a text message saying " hey, I think is best for us to take a break and meet other people" I remember because it was also your birthday. I hadn't wanted for that to happen but I figured it wouldn't matter since I've convinced myself that you never actually like me so it wouldn't hurt you.  

   I was wrong or was I just imagining it because last time I bumped into you, you seemed hurt your eyes were watery red and your voice sounded broken.... maybe it was drugs that you had conssumed so I lied and said yes... even though it wasn't a complete lie. 

3 Months after I was a sophmore now

I remember feeling cold and not the kind of cold when winter is here or the AC is on the kinda cold that makes you feel lonely.  I held all the sadness inside my heart. Imagine having to take that in and no one having a clue that you yourself were a timing bomb... but all they saw was sunrise.