"I can do better. I promise I can..." I said as I kneeled before him. He thought I was pathetic for wanting him this bad, he thought I was beneath him so he treated me as if I was. I couldn't argue with that as for I was everything he accused me of being. From the outside gazing in our relationship may not be seen as healthy, but this is how we loved and now it's all falling to pieces because of that bitch with the hazel eyes. The way he would look at her when I would drop by his job was enough to keep me on edge, but I'd never imagine him cheating on me. Whatever she's doing, it's working because he is now leaving me on my knees as his car keys dangle in between his index finger. Why can't he see that I'm trying? "I promise I'm the same woman you married," I say as he stares me down. That struck a chord in his florescent heart, I could tell he cared about me, but I know he cares about her more.
Somewhere deep down, I could see the man I married 4 years ago on October 24, 2012. I use to be so strong you know? I was willing to fight for what I rightfully deserved, but things have changed and now I refuse to compete with another woman over the man that was standing beside my hospital bed when I was first diagnosed with cancer in the summer of 2014. Yes, my hair is completely gone and I know the bills are stacking up, but I thought we could get through it.
"Look at you. You aren't the woman I married..." he hissed.
I gasped, maybe he was right. Maybe I wasn't the woman he married and I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for burdening him with all of my problems, but I'm his wife goddammit. "Through sickness and in health," was said on our wedding day and this is how everything is unfolding? It's not fair. I knew he would leave me eventually but I just wasn't ready.
He turned around on his heels and slowly made his way to the door, he opened it and turned around. "I just can't do this, I'm sorry."
The last words that slipped from my chapped lips, as I'm still on my knees, were three words that have been said too often, "please don't go..."
The way our eyes met before he left burned a hole into my mind, I knew he still loved me in some way. He may love her more, but I know he could never stop loving me.
Love isn't suppose to feel like this. I've been around pain and I've lived through poison, but this love felt nothing like the two. This love screamed louder than him when he would have his night terrors, I bet she can't handle those. I bet she doesn't know that if you stroke his left ear, he'll slowly become silent and will make you feel as powerful as a thousand bulls. I'd giving anything to feel as powerful as a thousand bulls again. It's sad, yet terrifying, how one person can make you feel as if you've been trapped in a cage for years and can only be exposed to the light when you're with them. I was fine with that though, my life was a dark cage until I met him and he just so happened to be my light.
I wanted nothing more than to lay in my bed and drift off into an unwakeable sleep, but I know the memories we've created together would cloud my mind and keep me awake until the sun went down and risen again. Instead of going to my bed, the number one place that I felt safe in, I went to my second. As I step into the bathroom, I avoid looking into the mirror at all cost. I was already on the verge of regurgitating everything that I've had in the past week, looking at myself won't help that at all. I was happy to finally take off his shirt that I somehow woke up in, that was a mystery to solve for another day. There's no other satisfaction that comes with turning the bath knob to as hot as it can go and slowly gliding into the water.
I remember smiling, but I also remember making myself small so I wouldn't be pushed into conversation that I have no interest engaging in. I remember laughing, but I also remember crying and pretending my eyelashes were window wipers to clear my vision. I remember anger, but I also remember joy when I would look out of my window and be greeted with the sight of lightning and the sound of thunder. I remember so many things, yet I don't remember what I did wrong for God to punish me with cancer and a heart of copper instead of gold. These were the thoughts that made me question my existence, I just want to remember. I'm a counselor, I help people get over the thing that I'm currently battling. I'm strong and courageous, I battle lions in my dreams and drink until I black out on Saturdays. I'm powerful and unique, people hold their breaths when I walk and imitate how I talk, but today I'm a ball of dust waiting to get blown away towards my next destination. Today I'm the client sitting in the yellow chair in my office because today, I'm the one that needs counseling.
The clouds in the sky slowly move, blocking out the sun every chance it could. At times I wondered if the world was really spinning, and if so, why haven't I fell yet? Why am I still capable of standing on two feet with a broken heart and a bottle of vodka to take away the pain of both my raging headaches and heartbreak? My mind is a pool of unanswered questions that I don't know if I truly want the answers to. I hate it. I hate not knowing the unknown. I hate seeing red when I should be seeing blue.
Rage was what I felt. The sour taste in my mouth came from the curse words that tap danced across my tongue when I would think about her, the other woman. I knew she would resemble me, he's always had a taste for brunettes with vulnerable emotions and rough sex. He liked them with a little bit of spice, but just enough to leave them contemplating suicide after he breaks their...our heart. I'm one of them now, there is no "them" without including me. Love was never enough to satisfy him and although we were married for four years, I don't know if it could've ever been enough.
I cry until I see god through my blurred vision. I scream so loud that satan scurries off into the night. I smash. I turn red. I want nothing. I wish to hear nothing. I want to feel nothing, see nothing. Without him, I am nothing.
The power he holds over me is intoxicating and I hate him for it. I hate him for building a home inside of me. I'm disgusted at the fact that I let this man kiss me with the lies that lived on his lips while the desire from fucking her still lingered in his eyes. If only he knew how many times I've had to wash my pillow case due to the fact that my tears soaked it and made it a little difficult to sleep, but it's not like I was sleeping anyway. Closing my eyes would lead to nothing but sorrow and discomfort, two things that I am beyond tired of feeling. As the rain treads lightly against my window, I blink back the tears screaming to be let free. I feel sadness, but at least I feel something. To feel numb is too feel defeated, deflatable, undesirable, and god knows I've been through enough of that.
To take away the pain that has made a home inside of my bones, I write to the one man that I just might need the most.
"Dear God,
if you are listening, please take it away. I would talk to you, but my throat is officially closed due to, well you know...screaming. I'm sure you've heard me and I'm sorry for the insensitive words that have jumped from my cherry lips, but I'm just so tired. I feel as if thorns have sprouted inside of my stomach, rooting themselves in my core, piercing my ribs. The clock strikes 2am and I can't help but wonder what he's doing at this exact moment. This is what his love has done to me God. Even when he isn't by my side, he's lurking in between the crevasses of my insides and no matter how hard I try to erase his existence, I can't. Please take it away. Send a green pill that will erase the dark clouds that seem to have entered my brain during this heartbreak. Make me strong again, make men turn their heads when I walk by again, make me shine brighter than the stars and glow like the full moon again. He's shown me a different love that was so strong, some would even say a little too strong. With every breath that I take, cold air slips through my lips and I can't help but shake. I've turned cold, I've turned oh so cold. Is this why you've created love? To punish the sinners? Because I promise God, I've tried to be all you've ever wanted me to be. I believe I've followed your path and it has lead me to nothing but a damaged heart and eyes as red as the blood that once leaked from my wrist. He took me high and for once, I was able to breathe. God he took me so high I could've touched the gates to heaven and that made me feel alive, so so alive. Now the soil has crumbled from beneath my bare feet leaving me unbalanced and torn between falling into the pits of hell or regaining my balance to prosper. God please listen to me when I say this and listen closely. Cross my heart and hope to die, strike me with lightning if I may cry. As I write this letter with a loaded gun by my side, I know you tried to save me, but the pain just couldn't hide. I hope to see you soon, as I pass by the stars and the moon. Keep me safe and keep me warm, I'm so sorry that I am torn. I need you more than you could know, I'm sorry Lord, but now I must go."
