Fearless

Another Day In Hell

       I get up. The sky is dark. The sun is not out yet. I cannot sleep. In my sleep nightmares of my past chase after me. There are some things that can't be escaped even in the dream world.  Memories mostly. I can't escape memories. I want to go out, I know I shouldn't but I want to. I know I shouldn't do a lot of things but that never seems to stop me. I move over to my dresser which has a big mirror. Staring back at me is a girl with soft brown hair that flows down to her back. She wears a baggy t-shirt and nothing more. Scars glisten on her skin in the moonlight. She is beautiful, but it is obvious there is something wrong with her. I can see it in her eyes.
      I take a deep breath and she does too. I need to get dressed so I can go out. I turn towards my closet for a dress that is both good for running and clubbing. I pull out a lacy black dress. It's short and tight, but if I hike it up I can run. I also grab black boots with heels because I'm quite short. I put on a bra and clean under wear before tugging on the dress. I pull on the boots quickly. After I'm dressed, I glance at myself in the mirror. I pull back my hair into a pony tail.
     I toss on some eyeshadow and lipstick before jumping onto the roof through my window. Marie wouldn't like it if she knew I was going out, but she doesn't have to know. That the thing about people, it's better if they don't keep things. Secrets are meant to be kept, it's human nature. I slide down the roof with ease, agile from a life of running from death, balancing on the edge of it all. I leap down to the ground and land like a cat. My nickname is Kitty and for good reason. I glance around the dark street. Marie's neighborhood is peaceful, it's so unlike the one I grew up in.
I grew up with Liam, surrounded by other addicts. He raised me to the best of his ability but I knew he was addicted to pain. He tried to hide it from me, but I knew. People say it's his fault I'm like this, but it's probably my own damn fault. Can't blame anybody else for my problems. I slink through the streets silently, watching the world around me as it sleeps. No body respectable is up at this hour. The good people are all asleep. That's why I'm up, I'm no good.
I climb gracefully over a car and then towards the entrance of a club. It's owned by a man who's secretly an addict. He's addicted to heartbreak. He keeps it a secret though and maintains his wealth and power. His addiction isn't a strong one. Mine is and I have multiple. I cannot pretend to be e normal.
     I slip into a club without being stopped by the bouncer. I've been here before and besides its an addict hangout. I slip into the room, it's dark with a few random neon lights flashing through the room. The lights don't focus on any one place so it's hard to see unless a person's used to the light. Music pumps through the room and people who are rejected by society dance. I move through the room like a cat stalking its prey, swaying my hips to the music.
A red haired girl I know from childhood is rubbing all over the owner. Her name is Rip. The owner's name was Serous, but he changed it in order to better blend with the normal people. Around them he's Thomas. Names help people to know who we are, what class we fall into. Rip sees me and waves and Serous winks. He's been trying to get me for a while now, but love isn't really my thing. I nod my head at them, but don't stop to chat. What I'm looking for is in the back. The more dangerous addicts are always in the back.
       I fall into the category of the more dangerous addicts, so I'd better go join my fellow dangers to society. Even amongst the outcasts there are outcasts.
       I pull open the door to the back room. This room is filled with smoke. It smells of blood and drugs. People aren't really addicted to drugs anymore, but for some of the things they do use them to cope. The music back here is darker, more violent. It's practically alive. I can feel it pulsing around me as I walk through the darkness. There aren't so many people out in the open back here. They tend to lay about or be way up high. We take being antisocial to another level. People hardly exist to us, it's just our addiction and us. A very lonely world.
        I see Quell on the floor with a knife clenched blade first into his hand. I move towards him bending down to see if he's unconscious. He grins up at me with a look of insanity in his eyes. He's a pain addict, same as Liam  was. They usually eventually kill themselves by mistake. That's what happened to Liam. I came home from school one day and found him dying. I've never screamed so much in my life as I did then. The doctors couldn't help him.
       I move away from Quell, shrugging of the memory and swallowing back the metallic taste in my mouth. I dance about the room as I move towards a ladder that leads to the roof. I climb it although it's rickety from too much use and age. Once I'm on the roof, I dance on the edge. The wind pulls at me, begging me to fall.
        "Kitty." Serous stands at the top of the ladder looking up at me. I look over at him. His dark black curls blow in the wind. His blue eyes shine in the moonlight. He climbs onto the roof carefully and moves towards me. He loses his balance so I hold my hand out for him to take. He still wobbles as he walks towards me, but I can catch him if he falls. He's drunk. I like him better that way. We sit down on the ledge of the roof. I cross-cross my legs like they do in Kindergarten.
Serous doesn't let go of my hand and I don't really mind. I like him, but it doesn't matter. Addicts can't have lives and since he's pretending to be normal I can't let him ruin that. I enter twine our fingers in the darkness. I stare off into the night, trying to block out my strong desire to kiss him. The adrenaline is my favorite and I also just want to kiss him. "Kitty." He says again, wanting me to look at him.
I pretend I don't hear him. "Harp." He tries to get my attention again. If I look at him, I might not be able to resist letting my impulses take over me. "Harpy." He says again and this time I look at him. He's beautiful in the darkness. The moonlight shines perfectly on his cheek bones. I watch his dark eyelashes brush against his pale cheeks. He watches me as if in the most beautiful thing in the entire world.
"You shouldn't be out tonight. There are some real dangerous guys coming in tonight." He tells me. I reach out and touch his cheek in the dark.
"I can take care of myself." I tell him with a small smile. He squeezes my hand tightly.
        "I know you can, but I don't want you picking up any new..." He trails off but I know what he means. He doesn't want me picking up any new addictions. I tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear.
         "I won't go near them, I just couldn't sleep and I couldn't stay in that house." I tell him quietly. In the darkness I spot Rip looking for him. I know she loves him, but she'll never tell him that. Just like I'll never tell him how I feel. He rubs his thumb over my knuckles, thinking. This is how we are, we sit alone in the dark together. Sometimes we talk and sometimes we don't. I always want to be near him though. When I'm near him, things make sense. I don't know if that's love or just friendship, but I don't think it really matters.
He speaks, pulling me from my thoughts. "You always come here when you can't sleep, why is that?" I sigh heavily and pull my hand out of his.
"Being near you eases my mind." I say, it's barely a whisper. I stare off into the darkness. Searching for faces I know I won't see. People I know are long gone. It's a habit, I'm always searching for the dead in the darkness. He draws in a breath and turns to me with a sad smile.
"There's something I've been meaning to tell you..." He trails off.
"Don't." I reply sharply.
"That's not fair, Kit, you don't even know what I'm going to say to you." He looks so sad, so desperate. My heart aches for him.
"I have an idea as to what you're going to say. Please don't say, I won't be able to come back if you say it." I whisper raggedly. He nods before gently wrapping his arm around me. I move closer to him and rest my head on his shoulder. He laughs in the darkness, it is not a happy laugh, the sound is so broken it makes me want to cry. We sit like that until I see the am becoming lighter. "I have to go." I tell him softly.
I pull away from him and start to head down the later, but he reaches out for me. He wraps his arms around my waist and then he kisses me. His smooth lips press to mine. I reach out and touch his face gently. He pulls me closer when I kiss him back. His lips move gently against mine as if searching for the answers to life's questions. He pulls me up into his lap as we kiss. His tongue gently touches mine. He wants to know if it's okay. I smile and laugh a little and he does the same.
We have kissed before, but this time is different. I wrap my free arm around his neck and move closer to him. He is warm and the early morning is sort of cold. Just as I wish for nothing more than for the kiss to never end he pulls away.
I stare deep into his eyes, which are shining happily back at me. Suddenly they darken. He frowns slightly as he brushes a lock of my hair back behind my ear. I frown back at him, confused as to what's wrong.
"I'm getting married." He says softly. I shake my head at him in confusion, this must be some sort of sick joke. "I asked Rip to marry me." My chest clenches up and the butterflies in my stomach turn cold as my stomach drops.
"She loves you." Is all I can manage to say to him. He nods slowly. I'm still in his lap, he is still holding me. Rip is bellow us. I know she doesn't see us, and I don't think I'd care if she did.
"I know." He nods absentmindedly, his head bobbing too much. "She can pretend to be normal as my wife, I've already arranged a fake identity for her. She'll be safe and happy. She'll be able to have children." He tells me. I nod, closing my eyes. She'll be able to have everything I can't.
"She's your friend, I know you want what's best for her. I will take care of her and make her happy." He promises.
"What about your happiness? I know you don't love her. I know you won't be faithful. You'll just hurt her in the end." I snap at him in anger. "You're not thinking about her, you're being selfish, she does you more good than you do her. She makes you look more normal and you think being with her will make me love you." I hiss. Hurt races through his eyes momentarily.
"I want to take you, I really do. I can't though." He explains in a broken voice. He's so desperate for me to understand. I hair want to leave before he sees me cry. "You won't be able to pretend, your addictions are too severe. Someone will find out and hurt us both." I look away from him wordlessly.
"Don't make up excuses." I snap. "I need to go home." I try to pull away but he pull me against him.
"I need you to understand that I love you." He shouts. I know Rip's heard him. She calls his name as I pull away. I leap from the roof off the backside, so she doesn't see me with him. I hear him explaining what he meant to her, but I don't stay to listen to his fiancee's reaction. I sneak quickly through the streets, but it's harder as I stayed to long and people are out and about.
"Shit." I mumble. Marie will be up to yell at me no doubt. I shouldn't have stayed there with that bastard and no I'll pay for it at home. Marie is up when I climb through my window and into my room. She turns to glare at me.
"Where were you, Harpy?" She demands, but then her expression softens. "What's wrong? Why are you crying? Did someone hurt you?" I hadn't noticed I was crying, but I quickly swipe away the tears. It's funny how fast she can go from pissed to a concerned mom.
" I'm fine." I tell her softly. She frowns at me and moves closer. "Rip's getting married." I say with a smile. Marie claps her hands together.
"Is she really?!" She beams. "To whom?" She ask.
"Serous." I reply quietly.
She frowns, thinking. "Serous. Serous.. Serous? Oh!" She shouts suddenly. "You mean Thomas." She nods to herself, pleased to have remembered our mayor's old identity. I nod. "He's such a nice boy. That's really good for them. See, two addicts who have recovered. I doubt they sneak off into the night." She clucks her tongue. She's forgotten I was crying already. I roll my eyes, but she doesn't notice. She only ever notices what she wants, that's how people are.