What Am I To You (Prequel to Before I Do) #Wattys2016

Chapter 11

Weird as it may sound, Matthew also makes me happy. In a semi-awful kind of way. The kind that makes you wonder if you're some sort of a masochist because you want the same kind of emotional distress and thrill over and over again. I can't quite explain the kind of euphoria I get when I'm with him, but it's there, and I cling to it for as long as I can.

Maybe it started with thoughts of revenge – because I wanted to get back at him for the sparkle I lost in college. I wanted to make him feel how he had made me feel when I waited for him at the university chapel for hours, after I had made him choose between Bridgette and me weeks after The Literati party.

He had chosen her. Obviously. But it wasn't so clear to me. It was only when he didn't show up and cut our communication altogether that I understood that I had never been his choice. Even then, I wasn't an option.

I had carried this emotional scar since then. I tried hiding it, walking away from it and erasing it to the point that I even turned my back on my degree and chose to be a graphic designer because every time I try to write, I write about him. Since then, I only realize now, my decisions can be traced to a particular emotional stigma.

At first, I was curious to see what had become of the guy I once idolized and loved in secret. I also wanted him to see what had become of me. But the plan backfired when I realized he is not the asshole I groomed him to be in my head.

When the hate ended, compassion set in. I start rationalizing that maybe he did want to reach out after all these years, after all, he has been keeping tabs. Maybe he was afraid that I would brush him off, knowing full well how he made me feel after ignoring all the text messages and emails I sent all those years ago asking for an explanation.

When science ends, faith begins. And just then, I surprise myself that a sliver of faith has survived inside of me somehow.

"He makes me happy, Tristan," I say when my friend returns with a plate of what looks like carbonara. "Obviously, he's still hung up on the same girl. Back then, I gave him an ultimatum and it backfired on me. Almost ruined me, too bad you weren't here in the Philippines when it all exploded in my face.

"But I am in love with him, Tristan. Or maybe I am in love with the memory of him or the idea of what he used to be, but whatever it is, he makes me happy.

"I feel more alive now that I had ever been all these years, you know" I continue. "It's weird but I don't want to burst that bubble yet. I am deadly scared that it could break any time now. That's why I couldn't ask where I stand in the same picture all over again. So maybe for now, I'll just settle for whatever he can give me. I just really need this pixie dust a while longer, okay?"

Tristan hands me a fork and we dive into a shared plate of carbonara. He knows I never mix my pasta on a plate, regardless of the recipe and how it was cooked. I pick on the large bacon bits on top and we eat in silence for a while.

"You really like him, don't you?" Tristan asks after I take a few bites. I nodded and he sighed.

"Just be careful this time, okay?" he continues. "I wasn't here when the college thing happened but I've seen you get hurt and cry over guys. I just can't bear to see you go through the same thing twice. It changes you. And I don't want to lose you."

Tristan was already in the U.S. when the whole Matthew thing happened. And somehow, I am glad that he had not witnessed how it all unraveled. I was a fucking mess that I almost failed in two of my courses. He only knew the bits and pieces I carefully decided to share with him. If only he had known, maybe more parts of me had survived. These issues may sound pathetic for a grown woman but when you're 18, you feel like you're never going to get over it. To my surprise, some girls never do.

And this is the reason why I am grateful for Tristan's friendship. Unlike in Matthew's world, I know very well where I stand in Tristan's world. He knows that it has always been and always will be Matthew.

---

Edits: Jacquie Bamba S. Zamora and Bookbed.org

What Am I To You is the prequel to Before I Do. It's a serialized story first seen on Bookbed.org. You can also read it here:

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What Am I To You

Philippine Copyright © 2016 by Katherine C. Eustaquio-Derla

Disclaimer: This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author's imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, places or persons, living or dead is entirely coincidental.

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