Guy & the Detective

THE BEGINNING

Guy Fieri had a good life. He got married at the young age of 35, had two children by the time he was 45, and lost all of that by the time he turned 48. 

On that unforgettable Monday evening in late June, Guy made himself a dripping pulled pork sandwich and grabbed an entire bag of Lay's Wavy potato chips as he sat himself on the couch in front of the television. He sighed in contentment as he turned the tv on, flipping through the channels until he found his favorite show Ice Road Truckers. He fist pumped a few times during the opening credits and then began to eat his dinner like a starving coyote. 

Guy talked to the tv like the people from the episode were there with him in the room as he devoured the rest of his food. He stood up as the episode ended and patted his stomach happily while chuckling loudly, saying out loud to no one "I'M SO FULL." He took his dishes into the kitchen, tossing the silverware into the sink, which all fell directly into the drain. As Guy bent down to open the dishwasher, he slipped and accidentally slammed his hand on the garbage disposal switch. It began to make a loud, animalistic noise as it tried to destroy the silverware. Guy scrambled on the floor, shooting up and pounding the switch to the garbage disposal off so quickly he almost got whiplash. He started to laugh loudly again, so loud that he almost didn't hear the knocking at his front door. He bent down once more to slam the dishwasher closed, then marched to the front door, patting his stomach again and smiling to himself. 

When he opened the front door, he was greeted by two police men. 

"Oh, the ol' Boys in Blue! How goes it, gentlemen?" Guy greeted, extending his slightly sweaty hand out to each officer, who both returned the gesture hesitantly. 

"Hello Mr. Fieri. I'm afraid we have some...bad news." One of the officers spoke, looking Guy directly in the eye. Guy straightened his stain-laden shirt and raised his chin higher in the air. "Oh?" he said. 

The same officer cleared his throat. "I'm very sorry to be the one to tell you this but...there's been an...accident." He kept his eyes on Guy's face the whole time he spoke, watching the cheery look on the awfully-bright-bleach-blond-haired man's face slowly fade. He continued, "involving your family--"

"OH SHIT!" Guy blurted out, beginning to visibly sweat. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

The speaking officer started to raise his hands towards Guy, beginning to prepare himself for the news he was about to tell him. "They were at an amusement park this afternoon and...and the wooden rollercoaster they were riding collapsed and then started on fire. There were no survivors. I'm so sorry, Mr. Fieri." 

Guy didn't know what to do or say. He stared at the officer for a few seconds, his mouth hanging open.

Suddenly, he knew exactly what he had to do. 

He abruptly turned around without saying anything to the police officers and ran into his house like a cheetah running after gazelle, leaving the front door open. When he got to the kitchen, huge crocodile tears rolling down his tomato colored cheeks, he opened his recent call log on his phone and slammed his huge thumb on Larry the Cable Guy's name. 

"LARRY" he shouted right when he heard Larry answer. "THERE'S BEEN A FUCKIN ACCIDENT."