Thirty Day Writing Challenge

Day 08: Thirty Day Writing Challenge

Day eight: write a letter to someone saying something that you've never said before.

I thought a bit about everyone that I'm somewhat close to and about what I've told them and what I have not. In regard of my friends, I realized I've told just about everyone I know all I want them to know. Of course, there are cases in which I would have told a friend a lot more, but I stopped myself because I knew they wouldn't care almost at all about those things that are still important to me. I stopped myself so I wouldn't get hurt (...more). But then I remembered that there is somebody that I haven't told all I want him to know...

So I warn you. This will get pretty personal. I don't know where I'll stop myself if I start this letter...

In fact... is it too much to ask you not to read it? Well, you can read it, but if you do, don't judge me or my dad or anything of the sort. I'm basically writing down things I didn't even realize I had hidden somewhere in the dark corners of my heart... It will probably seem foolish or depressing for you...

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My dear dad,

Ever since I was just a little girl, I've been told by everyone that seemed to know you and had just met me that I looked a lot like you. At some point I even got used to it, to the point where, if someone who knew mom better told me I looked a lot like her, I'd be surprised. And it's true, I do have a lot of your facial features, your eyes and your hair color (although - lucky me! - mine is straight!) Lately, however, I realized that I am very much like you personality-wise as well, and I'm not so sure how I feel about that.

A few years ago I didn't even know much about your personality, because I didn't spend time with you. I can't even begin to tell you how much I suffered because of this. And maybe not so much because of this as because of how I feared you. I know I was the youngest and my brother was the one that got punished for little misbehaviours; I can barely recall a single time that I got punished for mine. But you know what was worse than a punishment for me? The moment when you'd call me to have a talk about what I did / didn't do and started scolding me. I always felt like crying when you did, and I remember that if you even noticed that, you'd tell me to stop it "or else you'd give me a reason to cry". Now that was worse than anything. You might have guessed that, right after you finished scolding me and I nodded or whispered a reply, I always ran in my room, into my pillow and cried. Somehow, it pained more than any physical punishment. Maybe because I didn't get to know another side of you as well as that one.

In the old house that we had until I was about 10, almost all the walls had cracks. Me and my brother always feared that the house would break down little by little every time you got angry. When you were angry, you were always slamming the doors loudly and scarily. The two of us always knew to hide in our room when we heard the noise the doors made when you slammed them. We did our best not to run into you in any way. I know I was scared. You might not know that, because of those times, it became my wish and my prayer that the man who will be the right one for me will not be quick to anger and will never get as angry as you used to be. I couldn't live with that.

One night, a good while after we moved in our new home, you came home angry because of work. You were going to leave for south Africa the next morning and I wasn't going to see you until you came back, but even if I didn't want to go to you when you were in that state (it became passive anger, but it was still scary), I still went into your room to say goodbye. Yours was very, very cold. Again, I went straight to my room and started crying. I took out a post-it note and wrote a reminder to pray for you all the time: for your safety there and your safe return. I think I might have fell asleep crying, but I can't really remember. Oh, I forgot about those days. I only read about them in a diary recently, and it made me remember it all. Funny, you know, all the things I wrote in my diary (except for some extremely rare apparitions of the name of my crush) were very general, boring stuff. There were days when I even wrote what I had for lunch! But once in a while, I wrote about you and how it all made me feel, and it surprised me to see how intense my writing was there... The next morning, after you left for South Africa and I woke up (or was it just the same week?), mom said you asked her to tell me that you were very sorry for that evening. It made me happy, the fact that you apologized for it. When you came back, you brought me those wooden safari animals that I still adore, that tall, wooden giraffe, the cute doll from Beni and that key chain... And I was glad I prayed for you every day.