The Pursuit of Being Olivia

The Blind Spot

I found the photograph that I would never let leave my nightstand again. It was a simple photograph but to me it meant the world.

In theory it was nothing but a picture of an old best friend of mine Chris Chambers and I. It has been sitting on my nightstand for three years. A lot of things had changed since then, since we were just kids fooling around after school. Even back then, I knew how important he was to me, I knew that I needed him to always be by my side.

Back then, we were nothing more than two best friends who used to spend hours sitting on either side of the fence that divided us, talking until far after the sun had set.

My feelings had changed since then, as I looked down at younger me in the picture asleep on his shoulder, my hair framing my face, and him looking over to me just like any best friend would.

I knew that we could never return to the way we were when they were young, I knew that we could never be best friends again.

Time had passed, and friendship had turned into something less.

Things may have changed in the way we felt about each other, the way we shared looks, but one thing stayed the same, throughout all those years.

His importance to me, would never change.

I put down the frame, man do I miss our little conversations. We would talk about the most random things. He would answer back so quickly and the way he made my stomach feel when we would talk in person. Oh my it felt like I was burning from the inside out.

Now though? Oh well to be completely honest I have no idea what he's up to lately. We haven't talked in weeks, months, almost a year....But when you think about it I said the last goodbye, the last word, the last syllable...

And after wiping my nose and eyes, I heard a knock at my door. "Coming!" I yelled, trying to relax my face so it didn't look too flushed.

I took a deep breath, and then opened the door slowly.

Teddy stood there with an annoyed expression upon his face. "So are you going to get ready any time soon or what?" he said impatient.

I chuckled and brought my hand to my mouth, licking my middle finger, then flipping him off. I slammed the door shut and turned around to quickly get ready.

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"Do you remember when we were little, we had those hand signs? Mother and Father never knew what we were talking about," I asked, my lips parted slightly to hold the cigarette.

His smile lingered and he nodded "I miss talking to you sometimes," it was hard to watch time leave us so quickly.

I picked at the ripping on the seat of the booth we shared in Blue Point Diner. I nodded, the feeling was mutual.

I found myself turning around when the entrance bell sounded, but regretted it immediately when I saw who entered.

I've only seen Chris around town, occasionally we would say hi to each other but usually we settled for a friendly smile.

It's almost a relief to think that even a year after him and I have stopped talking that people will still see my ghost lurking beneath his eyes. No matter how far we drifted, we would always haunt each other's memories. Our names were linked together as long as we were in Castle Rock.

Chris's POV

I walked into Blue Point Diner to meet Gordie here, I was surprisingly early. When I walked in I watched her turn around in with a short little dress with flowers on it. She never wore dresses.

And oh god how beautiful she was.

She was always beautiful though, and maybe that was the thing that made me keep thinking about her.

Maybe it was how when she cried, she still looked like an angel.

Maybe it was the way her long light brown hair hung over her face, but revealed just enough to keep interest.

She was a mystery.

A mystery I never solved.

I've never moved on.

And oh god how I hope she hasn't either.

Please don't act like a goof in front of her, I repeated in my head as I smiled at the twins.

"Hey man, it's been a while," I greeted them and they nodded. It was sometimes scary how in sync they were.

"Yeah, haven't talked to you in so long, how've you been?" Teddy turned fully sideways looking at me.

I tried not to stare at her but I couldn't help notice Olivia not making eye contact, she looked beyond me. Maybe she remembered the day we drifted apart, maybe she remembered our fight.

Although I refuse to believe that she caused it, something deep inside me knows it's true.

"Pretty good, how about you," I tip toed around how I've really been doing. I couldn't say that I missed her, that I've been a mess since we said those things.

I couldn't say she would occupy my thoughts for lifetimes to come. That was too deep for small talk.

"Alright," he returned and I nodded still stealing small glances in her direction. She looked out the window in awe. I remember she told me once that she loved the bright lights in our town, the city.

Bright lights were always her favourite part of this city. The way that they seemingly were able to shine even through the darkest of times.

But they were also her most hated part, this city's lights were nothing but an illusion, their beauty was a constant distraction from all the horrors and resentment this city had to offer.

All the horrific murders, the malicious lies, the thievery and the pain. This was not a happy city, it was a ugly nightmare dressed in the fluorescent promises of a daydream.

All who are ensnared by this city's beauty, will find themselves horrified by its true colours.

I could remember her telling me that when we were eleven, I never heard anyone talk so intellectually. The way she talked was captivating, that's when I fell in love with her, when we were eleven.

Olivia's POV

I decided to take my opportunity before I missed the chance again "Chris, can we talk for a second," I twisted out of the booth not waiting for an answer.

He nodded silently and followed me outside the dinner and to the back, where Gordie shot the garbage can last summer.

"I miss you," I whispered and you wanna know what he said back?

"... I know."

I quickly let go and laughed it off. I can't show how much that killed me. I wanted to puke.
I hurt him though. I hurt him so many times.

He always brushed it off and tried again. I took advantage of it.

Now it was his turn, and he abused it. He knew how much I wanted to be friends again. He knew the lengths I would go to to be best friends. He knew how much I regretted everything.

I've said sorry more than how many times he's even thought about me.

Now look at him. I'm not even worth a penny now to him. And you know what? No matter how angry and sad I get, or how many tears I shed and how many nightmares I have of him,
I deserve every ounce of it.

"Call me sometime," he whispered, meeting my gaze.

But both of us were too afraid of what we could be together. Both of us were afraid of being heartbroken. He thought I belonged with the stars and I thought he lived among the sea.

Destined to forever gaze upon the other but to never collide.

His phone never rang.