Those Eyes

Intro

Dragging myself out of bed is always a challenge. Having to go to school every day of the week is something always dread. As I walk up to my school, I brace myself for the day ahead. Walking in and seeing that my best friend isn't sitting in the cafeteria when I got there was a glimpse of the dread in my day, so I set my bag down and walk to the bathroom.

Waiting at the mirror, I just prepare myself for the day. "Damn, I'm a bad motivational Speaker", I whisper to myself. Then I start to look closer and notice all the simple flaws in myself. Even though I know I look fine, the memories start to roll through my head. "Why is she so fat?", "Did you see her face?", "Why can't she learn to just sit in a corner and not bother anyone?", but one stayed in my head ringing like a siren blaring through the streets. " She should just kill herself, no one likes her, why is she still alive?"

"She should just kill herself." It was something I have contemplated it many times but can never seem to find the right way to do it. Until then, I know how to stop the thoughts.

See, I have this way of becoming invisible. Sitting in my hammock chair, in my room at home, I put in my headphones and start a gentle rock as I slowly close my eyes. Melting until I am no one, until I don't exist. My special place where no one can ever see me. It's easier this way, when i'm invisible, i don't have to think about all my problems. When i'm invisible, I don't have to feel anything. The pain, the grief, and the fear goes away. I get to go numb and quiet for the slight amount of time I have in my transparent bubble. 

"Don't bother people with your problems Eden". I've heard it so many times that is part of me. "They don't care. They will just ignore you and sanction you into the freak category." If I started to open up about my life, I don't think stopping would be a choice I could choose. So it's easier to just not feel anything, that way there isn't an issue. I'm scared of being seen, scared of doing anything, scared of losing another person who loves me. I'd rather just drift.