NO.
I stare down at the fatty, goey, gross, disgusting, oozing, cupcake filled with fat. I look up at my best friend, Maddy, how's currently shoving hers in her mouth. I see the chocolate on the side of her mouth, and watching her chew the gross fatty thing, I about gag. She looks at me curiously, wondering why I haven't eaten my huge piece of disgusting sugar that makes me want to puke. I have to eat it though, I don't want her to know, she can't know. It's like i'm watching myself from afar, I open my mouth and slowly it closes around the chocolate cupcake. I gag. The taste is pure chocolate, making me run out of her room and into her bathroom, throwing everything up that I ate today, tuna, salad, eggs, and I can feel Maddy's intense stare on my back as everything comes up. She doesn't come toward me, just sits there is shock. I flush the toilet and quickly wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. I lean back against the wall across the toilet and don't dare look my best friend in the eye. I can feel the itching and burning of my throat, and thinking about how the food I ate now covers the sides of my throat, I dry heave a couple times. I hear her get off the bed and she comes toward me. Getting some water out of the faucet and handing it to me, she grabs a rag and wets it, then wipes my face with it as if i'm a child. I AM SEVENTEEN. I say to myself. She feels my forehead. Good, she just thinks i'm sick. She just thinks I have a stomach bug or something. I can't blow my cover, not when I have just started. I have to do this. I have to look good. You stupid girl, you stupid, FAT girl. I hear the voice in my head say. I'm done fighting it, I let that voice wash over me, drown out everything else. I focus on it, I live it, I live FOR that voice. It gets me, It understands, it helps me, it disciplines me. I need that voice, no matter how cruel it is. Wait, It never was cruel, it just tells the truth. It tells me what nobody dares to say aloud. You're too fat. You need to lose more. Maybe if you weren't such a fucking baby, if you were good, you could do it. Then you would finally have a boyfriend you ugly piece of shit. I fight the tears that are threatening to come down. I quickly get up and thank Maddy for a good time, running down the stairs, with her shouting my name after me. I slip into my car and find my anti-depressant pills. I don't even bother with water, I swallow them dry. Go home, you ugly piece of shit, nobody needs to see you. They won't have nightmares at night now that you aren't there. They won't dream of being fat like you. I obey the voice, finally letting the tears fall as I drive back home. It's right. It's so right.
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