I had always been strong. No matter what life threw at me, I ducked, dodged and dealt. At 41, I had lived several lifetimes. I had known success and failure. I had my share of heartbreak as well as love. I could say that I had truly lived, except that I wasn't...not then.
I discovered that in being strong, I was lonely. A string of casual relationships left a feeling of numbness and indifference to a side of me that had always been active and adventurous. I realized it was time to get serious about getting serious.
I made a profile on a popular dating app and hit it with my best shots. I quickly came to find that you could spend an eternity swiping left. No wonder it's called a game! However, I did manage to find a couple of men who piqued my interest and gave them a flick to the right. I had no idea one impulsive flick of my little finger would wind up changing my life.
I went about business as usual. I am an eternal optimist, but in spite of that an absolute realist. I know that the chance of finding Mr. Right via an app game were slim to none. I didn't have much faith, but I figured it was a start. You can never win if you don't play, right?
I received a few messages from men who were interested. A few flat conversations that never went anywhere. A handsome, hungry young man who was simply interested in making a meal out of me if you get what I mean! It seemed that this would be a wash, as expected.
One evening, I received another message. This one from a man who honestly had me pouring over his profile photos whenever I was on the app. There was something about him that appealed to me so strongly. He was ordinary, but captivating. He has this look in his dark eyes that would take endless pages to describe. Needless to say, when his message popped up, I was thrilled!
The elation didn't last. He admitted up front and truthfully that he was in an open relationship. Ugh. Dagger.
I told him I was looking for love, but I was curious about his situation. I asked a few questions, he answered. He was looking to make friends and if more happened, it was okay with his wife. They are best friends and not looking to be romantically involved with anyone else.
I was intrigued. All the same, I told him I was hoping for someone who would at least entertain the thought of developing feelings for me. I offered no judgment and told him we could chat if he liked sometime. He offered his cell phone number in case I might want to meet for dinner or drinks. I told him I might and we parted ways.
Though I thought about it, I didn't contact him. I pondered his arrangement and decidedly rejected the notion however much I was curious. Life went on. I worked, I saw friends and tended to my home life.
He messaged again one evening. I realized in that moment how much I was actually looking forward to talking to him again. It was easy and natural. I found I would sit smiling stupidly at my phone screen. We joked and discussed all sorts of things. We had many common interests and our witty banter continued every night for a week.
He quickly became part of my routine, and I his. He joked that we were BFFs since the match. It was funny, but felt true. In looking back, I was already smitten. I knew I liked him. I found him interesting and charming. I knew I wanted to meet him.
We made a date to meet that Friday. I was so nervous the whole day and I couldn't really figure out why. I'm good with people, making friends is a cinch! Why on earth was meeting this man giving me anxiety?
The answer was simple and right under my nose. I wanted him. Despite every flashing caution in my brain, I had already run off the rails.
