Always Down to Play

It All Starts With A Little Fun

I moved here and you instantly fell into lust for me as I waltzed into the classroom. The way my eyes sparkle in the light must have put you under my spell. Gleaming and new to the school, I did not know what to expect or who to expect what from. But it was as if you swung that lasso above your head then right around my waist before I could even think about running. I could not stop what was happening but every time that clock struck 10:37 AM, I rushed to fourth period. I sat in my desk and stared at the door patiently waiting for you and your amiable, elated self to walk through the door. I tried almost every day to sit there in that desk and focus on the teacher as she taught chemistry. I felt your eyes on me, staring me down as I half listened to the teacher and half refraining from looking at you. Looking at the instructor, down to my paper to write something down as she spoke, then back up to the board to absorb what she was writing. I would try to subtly look at you through my peripheral vision but it wasn't enough. And every time we made eye contact, it held for what felt like hours in a matter of seconds. We started talking and you rapidly had no trouble saying how you felt. Or maybe just your intentions. 

I gave in, I was not in the right mindset to say no. So I let whatever was about to happen to wash over me like a tsunami. Without doubt, I could not help what I was feeling and I confessed hoping for some closure from you. But quite frankly, I got none. We continued to talk and it progressed like I knew it would. What we had grew and grew into something that blinded me from the truth. I thought it was eminent but you seemed to just have one thing in mind. I wanted more and you were already getting what you wanted.  

Now, here we are, barely talking, unacknowledged, and deprived of wants. As time goes by I begin to learn what life was like before I knew you, before I grew fond of you. I learn to live without you. That or I have just distracted myself from you. I don't feel like I need you anymore and as harsh as it may sound, I mean it. 

I don't know what has come over me recently. Maybe I'm just overthinking or starting to care again. And I don't want nor need that. I don't need your attention because I find happiness of other things. I see you talking, walking with her and I become insecure. As you and your distinctive bubble of energy plagued by an unfamiliar mass casually pushes through the crowd of people, I notice the smile on your face as she makes you laugh. I pull myself together quickly and turn, smiling at the person who never fails to know what I'm feeling and reverses the bad thoughts to good ones. I compress the feelings and move past it, facing reality. 

It all starts with a little fun.