Circle Back

Sara answered the door on a Tuesday in May.

It's remarkable that we have lifelong friends, I mean as human beings, because our memories are so faulty. But there she was on my doorstep all wide eyed and smiling like a bleeding drunk who stumbled upon a red cross nurse. Nancy from back in the day. Nancy who introduced me to the blues and was the one girl I had ever kissed, ever touched, ever explored to discover the limits of physical and emotional love. It turned out that it was nice to cum but we both preferred men. Still, eight years had passed since I had last seen her. I had gotten pudgy but she was certainly fat. She explained that it was in reaction to the retardation meds they prescribed after high school.

"Nan, no one says retardation anymore. What are you on meds for?"

"Epilepsy and ADHD, general personality disorder. It's like the USSR; it used to have one name and now its fractured into tiny capillaries. What does it matter? They told me not to go to college. I'm a retard. But you, you've a doctorate, don't you, Sara?"

"A degree only means that you can follow instructions. It's a masters but I still get paid less than a postal worker so who's the fool?"

"A fool and a retard, reunited."

Why didn't time pass? Why didn't this feel as strange and uncomfortable as clothes we'd outgrown? My door was open and in she came in for pepsi and rum and microwaved pizza rolls.

We talk about the elasticity of yoga pants. I decline to tell her about my slew of one-night stands and focus on my current o-so-stable marriage. She's on her third but he's open to others. She explains how they recruit for threesomes and spouse swaps on the internet.

"Ashley Madison is for amateurs."

"My life is so vanilla even Ashley Madison seems like a black hole taboo."

"You used to be wild."

"Look, if you're here to recruit me for an orgy I'm flattered but I'll have to pass."

There comes a tight squeeze in the air like her soul has flinched as I brushed on her wound; why is she here? In fact, how did she get this address? And another fact, why was there so little warning to her visit? When we knew each other before and it was just me I could wait people out until they wanted to share. But now I am a mommy and the bus comes, there is a time for homework, and dinner, and I need to have this conversation before the mommy-me goes to work.

"So, Nan," I say, "You're not here for that. What's going on?"

"You know that when Carol and Ben had Kimmy, I tried to find my birth mom." Nan looked at her cola rum, pressing her thumb into the glass in tempo. This was a rehearsed speech. "Now that they had a real daughter I was free to explore my roots. Do you remember?"

"You got a hold of your grandparents and they said your mom had passed away."

"And they wanted nothing to do with me. I was an emotional kid. I just cried and tried to make due with my situation. Too dumb to go to school, parents doting on a blood daughter, blood grandparents that didn't want me. You had moved away."

I did because I was pampered. My dad said if I followed him out of state he'd pay for a semester abroad. I ripped through Prague with all the grace of a wounded duck. It was the best ten weeks of my life. I've always been willing to burn the past for a solid future. I poured more rum in our glasses instead of acknowledging her with words.

"You were gone for a decade, I was even divorcing my second husband, when I was contacted by a lawyer. Turns out my birthmom's estate was in the courts for a while. She'd made a mint off some invention for dogs. Some type of bone that prevented tooth decay or bad breath, I forget which. She'd made millions and OD'D too fast to spend most of it."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, millions. So the grandparents, her parents, thought I was some random just trying to collect. Since I contacted them the courts gave me a chance to have a blood test. She had no will. If I was a match then I stood to inherit."

My phone chirped; time to get the kids off the bus. I begged her pardon, I begged her to stay, I called my mother-in-law to find a sitter. No dice. As I walked down our maple tree lined ave in gentle sunny suburbia I was moderately perturbed. What does any of this have to do with me? Soon I was battered with the fluttering hugs of my children cooing and crowing about their day. Clips moving up or down, praise or criticisms that peppered their day, and the begging for snacks as if they had ever been deprived a meal. We entered the house like a bird of prey dropping its kill.

"Gavin, Tessa, say hello to mommy's friend Nan. Nan and I are going to sit and talk for a bit so you go play."

After a tepid wave to my stranger friend they thunder down the stairs to the basement, game devices in hand.

I don't want my perceptive puppies to overhear us.

"I'm sorry. If I knew you were coming I would have arranged a sitter. Still, it's good to see you. It sounds like such a tough ordeal with your moms estate."

"You sound different."

"Different how?"

She stood to leave. "You're just all grown up I guess. I shouldn't interrupt everything. I was just in town and thought I'd say hi. You're kids are so cute."

When I grasped her wrist it was like lightening on the plains. I held her arm for a moment and smiled. Her face remained immobile.

"Ok, Nan, I sound different. It won't bother you if I just shut up. You came to me. I am glad you're here. Just tell me why."

She sat and soaked up her drink. "I just needed a friend and after the third divorce friends are in short supply."

"Of course. It's funny you say I'm so different. You seem just the same to me as if no time had passed at all. Finish your story. I assume you had the blood test?"

"Of course I did. I needed the money but what I really wanted was to take something away from my grandparents. They were such assholes to me. Now my mom, my adoptive mom, had been so wrapped up in Kimmy and how brilliant Kimmy was that I didn't tell her about the money. I just told her that my family was trying to reconnect."

I waited and she glanced around the room while she sipped her rum. She was looking for something.

"You can imagine I was all of a sudden back on her radar. She was all too happy to help us reunite."

"What a backfire." She was searching the room and I tired to follow her gaze and keep watch on her face without turning my head. After all, she didn't seem to care if I was watching her or not.

"You bet. So I left. Actually, my third husband rescued me in a way. I moved in with him so my mail could go to his place and he married me so that INS wouldn't send him home."

"Where's home?"

"Slovenia. You should see his forehead - it's huge but he has really deep eyes and he's solid muscle, pretty much."

My own husband was as lanky as a surfboard and as beige. I just smiled"I guess that explains why you're so adventurous. It doesn't sound like you have to worry about breaking anyone's heart."

She stared into me and a wash of shock crossed over her face. "I've really come to love him. He saved me."

"Sorry, I didn't mean anything. Does he know about the money?"

"Mom! Mom! Look, come here, look!"

I apologized and slowly went to the stairs where my son breathlessly explained that he had finally figured out how to beat the seventh level master by jumping. "Jumping, mom. Look at that."

I could feel her orbiting my living room, peering into pictures, like a water spirit of a quiet hurricane rolling and splashing, collapsing in on itself. A rehearsed speech, an unannounced visit, and she's looking for something.

"Nan, you should stay for dinner. We'll only get a chance to really talk once Greg is home to watch the rug rats."

"Do you have more rum?"

"Yes"

"I'll stay."