Wake Me Up Inside (part 2 of What Little Girls Are Made Of)

Intro

Intro

Ever feel like life is a dream you can’t wake up from? That life is one big nightmare that you’re trapped in? No matter how loud you scream or how many times you will yourself to wake up you never do.

My alarm went off with a loud buzzing noise that jolted me awake from my nightmare. My hair was wet and plastered to the side of my face and my heart was racing so fast it felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. I reached over slamming my hand on the snooze button nearly smashing the clock. The evening sun light was shining through my window giving off a pink color to my white bare walls. My blanket that once was covering me was lying on the floor next to my bed and my sheet was thrown to the side from the struggle I gave during my sleep. I wake every evening to get ready for my 3rd shift job at the hospital in the psych ward. Every evening it’s the same routine, shower, coffee then off to work. I set my alarm accordingly to the sunset. I watch it set every night wondering if this is how my life is supposed to be. I can’t help but think there is something else for me, that this life I live isn’t mine.

As I sit on my back porch sipping my hot cup of freshly brewed coffee, I watch the dull pink sun sink slowly in the blue crisp ocean wishing it would take me with it. I feel so empty inside. I drown myself into my work to avoid these feelings but when I close my eyes when I sleep, it haunts me and consumes me.

The dreams started after my accident. The dreams I have are not bad dreams, actually they are really beautiful dreams. I dream of waking up and finding flowers on my window seal or lying in a beautiful field full of bright colored flowers. Even though it is a dream I can smell the sweet fragrance of the wild flowers as if they are right in front of me. When I reach for one of those flowers I can really feel the soft peddles and the stiffness of the stem.

There is a guy with me and I can feel his warm hand in mine with his fingers intertwine with mine, I can smell a mixture of his sweet scent of cologne and of body sweat, I can see every detail of him but his face.

His strong arms, sometimes wrapped around me, his muscular chest pushing through his shirt, his long muscular legs walking in time with mine, his soft hands sometimes all over my body driving me crazy but when I look up to see who he is, I just see a blurred out face. I try to look hard to make him come into focus and sometimes the fog starts to lift but just as it is about to reveal his face, that’s when I always wake up. It’s the same kind of dream with the same guy and the same results every night.

It’s the dreams that make me feel like I am living a life that doesn’t belong to me. I want the life I live in my dreams. I want to be with that guy and brush the fog away. There is something familiar about him. I feel safe and I feel like I belong.  

I curse the alarm clock every time it breaks me from my dream, from the life I want to live and from the man I want to be with. I sit on my porch every evening watching the sunset wondering if he is really out there and if he is out there, does he dream of me too?

Shortly after the sun disappears under the crashing waves, reality sets in and it’s time for work and the real life that I am trapped in pulls me out of my happy place and pulls me back into the dark emptiness of my real life.

*

Walking into work I am dragging my feet already. I have my scrubs on with my puma running shoes ready for whatever this night has to throw at me.

“Hi Emma, did you enjoy your night off?” Anna had said with sarcasm in her voice. Last night was my first night off in over a month but that isn’t uncommon for a nurse. One night is just not enough; at least it isn’t enough for me.

“Funny Anna” I said as I stole her coffee from her hand and took a sip. I nearly choked on it. Anna puts so much sugar in her coffee it tastes like I am sucking on a pixy stick.