Donovan

9. Nightmares

"I'm sorry," he apologized. He held me close for what seemed like a long time before I found the courage to speak. I bit my tongue as I held back what I was going to say but then I looked into those dark eyes of his and broke down. My cries were untamable as I clenched my chest, feeling the ache but soon relieving it as his arms tightly wrapped around my body. He brought himself upon me and held me closer to his chest.

"You're gonna be okay," he muttered as he caressed my cheek. I held onto him as we lied down, my back cradled against his chest as he imprisoned me with his embrace. So I fell asleep soon after in the arms of the man I still love and who was no longer mine. I fell asleep in the arms of a man soon to be marry. And I hated myself for how I felt no guilt. I went to sleep in the arms of the man who was once mine, still was, but at the same time...

     He wasn't.

I woke up with a weight over my waist as I looked behind me to see Donovan sleeping. His eyes were close and his muscles were relaxed. I liked seeing him sleep, it made him seem younger than he acted and looked some times. I carefully untangled myself from his embrace and found my way to the bathroom before I heard him yawning and stretching on the bed. I washed my face and rinsed my mouth before stepping back to see him sitting up in his glorious self. He was staring at me again.

"You can't kiss me like that again, Donovan. Not when you're getting married to Danica," I told him as I walked toward my clothing from last night. He took out the aid case and patted next to him for me to go sit down. I followed instructions.

"It's complicated," was all he said. I sat there quietly as I let my dream linger a little longer before I felt the bandage being stripped away from my neck. I winced.

"What were you dreaming about?" His voice was calm and relaxed as he continued redoing my bandages with new ones. I stared blankly at the wall as we sat in silence.

"Was it about your family?" He asked gently. I nodded, feeling him squeeze my arm oh-so-lightly. Don't touch me, I thought to myself. But a part of me fought for him to touch me even more, to caress my skin and to love me. Why can't he just stop hurting me then?

"Can you take me home now?" I asked him as I rolled my shirt up.

   "I'll have my driver take you," he insisted as I watched him make a short call to his driver. After he hung up, we sat in a silence that could kill. None of us were going to speak. At least I wasn't going to.

   "Are you taking your meds?" My eyes trailed lazily to him as he gave me a scolding look.

   "Yes."

   "On a daily basis?"

   "Yes. You're acting like my father," I teased as I stood up and gathered my clothing in my arms when I suddenly felt his hand pull on me, making me turn around to face him.

    "I still care," he reminded me. I stared at him with my head tilted to the side as he blankly stared down at me.

    "I know," I admitted. Letting out a sigh, I glanced out the window to see his car slowly drive in. I pulled my arm away from him and cleared my throat.

    "The car's here. I'll uh.. I'm going to leave now," I told him as I made my way towards the door, hearing his footsteps shortly behind me.

   "You look older, Em," he suddenly said as I glanced behind me to see him trailing down my legs and meeting my eyes as he went back up. I could already feel myself blushing crimson.

    "You do too," I replied as I continued walking, down the stairs now.

   "You still look as beautiful," he complimented me. I sighed.

   "Thank you. And you still look as handsome," I admitted. He still looked pretty damn good and that bothered me. He should have been starting to bald by now and get fat but nothing ever happened my way, did it? But he was still the gorgeous Donovan I knew and loved- love. As I opened the door, feeling him behind me, I grasped the door with my hand and looked to him for a second as he cocked an eyebrow up.

   "What?"

  "Can I ask you a question?" I asked him as I set my coat around my arm. He glanced down before meeting my eyes again, nodding.

   "Do you.. Uh. Do you love her?" Those words tasted bitter in my mouth as I had said them. I would have never thought that I'd be asking that question to him. I just assumed that it was going to be us in a few years but I guess I was wrong.

    "Danica?" Who else is there? I wanted to shout but I kept on a calm facade as I waited for an answer I wasn't sure if I was going to like. I nodded.

   "No," he said instantly. That brought a confused expression onto my face as I pulled my eyebrows together.

   "Then why?" I didn't even have to explain what I had meant because he knew. Why was he even marrying her if he didn't love her? Why wasn't it me?

   "I told you. It's complicated," he replied as he shrugged.

    "Even if it's complicated, it doesn't mean you can't explain what the hell is going on because I for sure don't understand anything." I was frustrated with him right now and I cannot remember when I was actually sure about something. When I actually felt happy without Donovan. He stayed quiet.

   "Maybe if I let you go, I'll be happier. Should I start moving on too then?" I whispered. He gazed at me in a worried expression as he fisted his hands to the side of him.

"I should let you move on," he confessed as he ran a hand through his dark locks.

"Then why can't I?" I asked shamelessly. We stared for a while before my eyes dropped to the floor. It lingered there for a bit and before I knew it, I felt lips crashing down onto mine furiously. My heart quickened as I tugged at his hair, pulling him closer to me, not wanting even an inch to be separating us. This was it. Our final goodbye at its finest. A kiss that would eventually leave a lifetime of memories and hope. Or at least an image of hope that was being imagined by my helpless self. His hands roamed my waist as I was pushed against the wall, holding onto him, afraid that he will let go. How ironic. I think I already lost him.

   "You have me," he whispered as if he had read my mind. Our kiss lingered a little longer before I eventually pulled myself away from him, watching our chest rise and fall steadily. My frantic eyes shot up to his calm ones and I backed away from him.

"Goodbye, Donovan."

   "See you later," he simply replied, making me send a glare his way before my lips eventually tugged into a smile.

   "Tell your brothers that I've missed them!" I shouted before getting into the car of his. I watched him watch me go and stared ahead.

   "Where to, miss Jane?" I heard his driver said to me before he pulled out of the driveway. I told him my address and that's when I suddenly received an uninviting text from Danica

       Meet me at the cafe on 23rd in ten.

     Well..

     Shit.