Grace's Letter

Part 1

Dear Christian,

It's been three years, five months and ten days since we last spoke. There are many things I wish I could have done differently. There are many things said that night that I wish were not said. There are many things I regret.

Do you remember the first time we met? I was so angry with you, so sure you were guilty of Vince's disappearance. At that point in time, I was so sure I would hate you for the rest of my life. I was so sure that you were a horrid, despicable human being, worthy of every speck of contempt I had. When you were released from prison, those feelings were stronger than ever.

I don't know when that changed. I couldn't pinpoint when our relationship changed. From enemies to reluctant friends...to love. You confounded me so much. My head told me over and over and over again that you were a cad, a vile kidnapper with no regard for others. But my heart...my treacherous heart whispered that you were not. You were not what people accused you of. That a man who was kind to the poor, who helped those in need couldn't be all that bad.

So I listened to those whispers. Every moment we spent together I fell just that little bit more, my hatred melted just tiny bit more. Until I realized, I believed you; I believed in the good in you.

I realize now that I put you on a pedestal but could you blame me? You believed in me, told me to pursue what made ME happy. That for once, I deserved to be happy. That I must believe in me and fight for myself. So I did. I fought for me. I fought for us. Every fiber of my being fought for us to love, to be happy and free...and for that brief moment in time, we were.

Then everything crashed the night you confessed. I was so angry at you, at what you did. For lying to me, for making me believe in you, in us, before pulling the carpet out from under my feet. At that moment, I prayed for everything to just be a nightmare that I would wake up from. That the man I loved, the man I fought so hard for was my brothers kidnapper was too much to bear. All the rage and hate I thought were gone rushed back. The hurt of betrayal was choking me, drowning me.

So I ran. I did what I've always did. I ran away. And when you caught up with me, all I wanted was for you to disappear. You said you loved me and I pushed you away. But I never wanted what happened next. I never meant for you to sacrifice yourself. I never wished you died...because under all the anger and hate, I loved you. I still do.