Dangerous Memories.

The memories

Honestly I thought I would have forgotten, or at least moved on. I was completely stuck on him. Chris, that's his name. It all started about a year ago, I never knew that I would have fell for him so quickly but that was my mistake. I met him through my friend and we started talking then. We talked, flirted, hung out, and many more things. We soon started dating and I thought that he would understand how anxiety and depression worked, I guess he didn't. If only I would have known it wasn't going to work out I would have stopped myself before I got any closer to him. A few weeks passed and it felt like we were perfect together, then that's when the arguing started. We argued about literally nothing and I tried to stop the arguing and I tried to explain but he wouldn't let me. We broke up and then a month and a half later we worked things out. We were happy together and I thought that all the drama would stop. We dated for a while and then, that's when my so called "best friend" stepped in. She developed feelings for him and started flirting with him while we were together. Of course, me having anxiety and past experience I knew where it was heading. We got into another argument and broke up again. A few weeks had passed and I couldn't stand it anymore so once again we talked things out. We began "talking" again and he said he didn't like her like that. Well little did I know, they were talking to. The next day, after he had told me he didn't have feelings for her, I was going to meet him at breakfast and surprise him with a gift. I asked my friend "where is Chris at?" And the exact words that came out of her mouth were "he is in the gym with his girlfriend." I asked her who was his girlfriend and of course it had to be my best friend. Honestly, I was devastated but I couldn't be mad. A month had passed and she did everything she could to make me jealous and make me want to punch her but I stood there and just ignored it. She kissed him in front of me and was always up on him. I didn't want to see any of that but she didn't care. She came to me one day and bragged about something I didn't want to know. She told me "guess what me and Chris did?" And of course my stupid self asked what. She says "well he took my virginity in my parents bed." Right at that moment my heart dropped. I didn't know what to do, I had two choices, slap the shit out of her or just leave it be. Little did she know Chris was kissing me behind her back because he "missed me" but didn't want to break her heart. Soon they broke up and then he ran back to me. We talked and then I started to ignore him because I was scared. Now, just a few weeks ago, he told me he loved me. I didn't believe it but I loved him too. He finally admitted to me that the very first time me and him ever got together, he used me to try and get his ex back and he claimed after the first he began having feelings for me. 1 month 2 weeks and 6 days, It was all just a lie. I can't believe him anymore. He destroyed me but I still love him and still want him. My friends keep telling me "just move on and forget him" but if I could just forget his name for one damn day I would. I can't forget the kisses, or the hugs, or the cute things he always sent me. I can't forget that I fell for him and now I'm at the bottom of the deepest trench in the world, trying so hard to swim back up but making no progress. I drink now to ease the pain, I smoke now to calm the nerves, and I self harm now to keep numb. All because I fell for someone who didn't deserve me. The moral of me telling you my story is so most of you don't make this mistake like I did. Men aren't always as they say they are. Don't end up like me. I've been to a mental hospital twice and I've been so close to death before. The only thing keeping me running is the thought of getting back at him one day. Be safe you guys.