"are you happy" is such a difficult question.. I always say yes. because I have friends.. I laugh at jokes, I go out a lot and have fun..
my life isn't as bad as it could be? and I don't have terrible problems.. it could be worse.
but then, one night at 3 am.. when I'm alone, still awake, lying in bed, thinking about life, I find myself crying my heart out suddenly I convince that nobody likes me... or nobody will ever like me. I feel terrible.. and I don't know if I was ever happy at all ?? but different kinds of things are messing with my head all the time.. wondering if anyone will really need me ?
but when I'm upset..
I shut myself down, I have no motivation for anything.. I tell myself that nobody cares.. even though I know some do..
I think about all of the negative things.. I could possibly think of. I give myself all of the pain. thinking I deserve it.
but the most dreadful thing that gets to me.. is when you go through that break down where you say to yourself that you don't belong in this world and that you hate everything about yourself and you're just done. that's the worst feeling in the entire world.
especially when your holding back the biggest wave of tears and then someone asks you what's wrong? and then you just lose it and you can't control anything. I know in one point and time that one of us were smiling all day, but you felt broken inside.
