thoughts&feelings

The One About Optimism

I spent years convincing myself I was an optimist, I was the girl who believed in the good and nothing and no one could stop that but I think now, as I am older and maturing, I know that maybe I was holding onto something which wasn't really there.

I think I was convincing myself that I was an optimist because deep down I knew I was just covering. I was just scared of the fact that bad things happen. I was, and am, scared that true love doesn't exist and that my 'one' isn't sitting in their home now dreaming of me. I am scared that maybe it's not going to turn out well, bad things will happen and there won't be an explanation but worse, I won't have an optimistic word to say. I am scared that if I let myself believe that there is no such thing as magic and love then there won't be. Because I'm covering.

I'm covering the bad with fake reasonings for stupid problems. I wish I wasn't seeing the world this way but I no longer believe that 'it's going to be okay' and that 'it's going to get better' because what if you and me don't end up smiling? What if we never meet someone, or we meet the wrong someone and what if we can't have children or what if our children's lives are worse than the one I'm living now.? What if my children cover too.

I'm scared that optimism is an allusion and I hate myself for thinking that. I liked being hopeful, I liked seeing the good and believing prayers. But I don't see how, I don't get why me and you were brought to this world just to get hurt and bruised and scarred.

I'm not happy with the life I am living and the thoughts going through my head. And for once I simply cannot be optimistic about that.