i walk, hands in my sleeves, head down, headphones in. my hands tremble, my eyes water, i sniffle them back as i regain my strength from the panic attack i had a moment ago , "you useless fuck, you have to act tough, you got to pretend like your feelings don't matter to you" my mind tells me , i nod my head to myself, soon enough I have my friends waltzing over to me to talk about some news that happened to them last night or a week ago, carrying on a normal conversation, fake smile, casual giggles. "make it seem believable bitch" i shake my head and stumble about my words , hey random friend, I will say with a frown, guess what, i had a panic attack last night, i describe it with every detail, just letting the information roll off my tongue as if I had just cracked my skull open and my thoughts fled out to their feet and they picked it up and read them. "you idiot, ugly, fat idiot, these are not to be shared". i stumbled on my words. "hey, it's okay I'm always here" , that's a usual sign of "no one cares, stop seeking attention".
3:00am.
"why would you say that!"
"ugly. fat. stupid"
"you talk to much shut up"
"please kill yourself"
"you are a bitch"
"you seek attention"
"slit your wrists"
"hurt yourself some more "
thoughts. thoughts. pills. sleep.
wake up. migraine. saturday.
"your fine."
"your going through changes"
"it's all in your head"
"stop making excuses"
"your just bored"
"just be happy"
"your so depressing"
family. typical. hear the same words all the time.
2:00am
flashbacks. can't breathe. bruised.
"fucking lunatic"
"bitch"
"why would you let him do that"
"pig"
"disgusting"
"worthless"
2:30am
pills. more pills.
"painful"
"pointless"
"empty"
3:00am
dead. cold. blood. gone.
