Have you ever had the feeling where you long to be with someone so badly that it physically hurts? Well that's basically every day for me. I developed feelings for him a year ago. But you know how it goes in movie. They don't know you exist then they run into you and fall instantly in love. Well that's not how my life works. He hasn't showed any interest in me. But I have found out I can have the perfect relationship, the perfect life, in my mind.
I go through my day until I close my eyes. Then I see it. Me, him, in a room, together, alone. He walks toward me gazing into my eyes. He cups his hands around my face and pulls it close to his. He locks his lips on mine while his fingers entwine my locks of hair. He softly bites my lip. We should be gasping for air but instead we pull each other closer. He spins me around and walks toward the wall. He presses my back into it like I could fall right through. He pushes his abdomen into my stomach. His hands move down my back. My hands clutch the fabric of his shirt. I feel every bump of his spine. My hand rises high into his hair while his lower behind me. I could never express in words the love I feel. All the butterflies that flutter in my stomach just thinking of him. The longing to be near him, to have his arms wrapped around me and his lips on mine showing that he really truly loves me. He moves away from the wall pulling me with him. He pushes me down on a bed. A bed in this blank room. He is so close I can hear the beating of his heart and his heavy breathing in my ear. He loves me; he truly loves me.
Everything stops. It fades to black. My eyes open. I see the color of every day life. I hear the sound of a school classroom and the misery of young students dragging their self through the day. It was nothing but a day dream. I knew he could never love me like that. I knew that him even talking to me let alone kiss me would be too much of a miracle. I have to proceed living a regular life. Unlike the movies, not everyone get a happily ever after and I'm definitely one of them.
I find my self in a dreamy haze again. Only this time there is no blank room. There is a meadow and sky. There is sunshine and the smell of fresh flowers in the air. He appears beside me. We are laying on a blanket looking at the clouds. He points at the ski as his fingers lock with mine.
"I think that cloud looks like a car." He says gazing up.
"That one looks a bunny. Awe I love bunnies." I say. Why did I say that. I didn't mean to. It spilled out. It my dream fantasy telling me what to do. I sounded like a dork.
"Your so weird." He says. I blew it. My mouth involuntary spitting out words made his think I'm the weird.
"That's why I love you so much." He looks at me and smiles. He moves closer and kisses me then looks back up. He loves me for my weird dorky self. I didn't say anything wrong. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me right up to him. He closes his eyes. I close my eyes too and soon we are asleep together in a meadow. I can feel his heart. I can feel the passion swirling around us. Then the fresh air and smell of flowers disappears. I'm on the bus. Riding home. The peaceful sounds of nature are replaced with screaming kids and and cars zooming along the street. Depression kicks in. Reality comes back. He doesn't love me. He doesn't like me for me. He doesn't know I'm alive. He is the medicine I long to have to keep me going but I just can't get him and he just can't love me.
It's hard when everything good is in your head. You can't live there. Depression of reality swirls around me. I want to go back to the perfect world in my mind. But I will have to live with the constant knowledge that he will live his life happily with out me. The world can't be perfect. I will have to visit my mind instead of trying to be there forever.
There is the bed again. I'm sitting on it. My head buried in my hands. Hot tears run down my face. A achey feeling spreads through my body. He has left me, he lost his feelings for me. He doesn't love me. Even my own world can't be perfect. I hear a soft knock. A door opens. He stands in the door way. Looking depressed. He makes his way over to me and kneels down in front of me.
"I am probably the last person you want to see. I know that you probably hate me, but I can't seem to keep you out of my head. I am so stupid. Words slip out and I know I probably won't be able to fix it. I'm still in love with you. I hope you are too."
"I still love you too." I say wiping tears from my face. I feel weak and small, like I could just fall apart at thy very moment. He sits next to me and pulls me to him. I bury my face in his chest. I feel the warmth of his body. I try to stop crying but the dam holding in my emotions has cracked. It no longer can hold the heavy feelings inside. We are together and nothing can stop me from loving him. My own world is perfect and he will never stop loving me.
Reality is dreary. My mind sparks with love. Life doesn't have the happy endings you want but can have the happiest endings in the little world in your mind.
