Confusions and questions of life

Confusions and Questions

    The time I realized that everything in life isn't how I expected it to be. My anger comes from the inside and it's hard to let it go, so I do things that makes it so I can forget, but really it's just building up inside and waiting until I can take no more, that's when I just explode. Knowing that there is that one person out there who would do anything for me,makes me think about why I refuse to do something about it,and why I push people away including HIM. But it's life I guess, that causes this all to happen, hopefully one day those things will change for both of us. And we both could either move on or just let faith happen.

    The day you realize that everything that you go through isn't enough to handle and that you just want to give up, but you know that you shouldn't because there is people out there that mean a lot to you or they care a lot about you.

    There is one thing in the world that just doesn't understand to me. Why are we put here if everything is just a lie, if people protect others even though they have done something wrong. Why does this planet even exist if everything is just a complete mess. My whole life I thought that it was a gift to be put here but now I think to myself every second that I'm here, why, why is it like this. I try my best to be somebody that I'm not, and sometimes I don't recognize who I am when I look in the mirror, and sometimes I just wonder if life is truly worth living for.

    Every time when I close my eyes I see nothing but darkness,but I feel everything start to cave in on me. All of the pain that I go through that causes my depression, I feel it. That feeling that I get knowing that one day my life could just end because I can take no more. That's the feeling I get, and the sight I see because I don't see my life anywhere in the future, and honestly I cannot explain why. People say that when you close your eyes your suppose to feel relax and see something about yourself from the past, present and even the future, but what I see from the past is a nightmare that would never end and the present is just the world going slow hoping that I can live longer but the future isn't waiting for me and it's sad just knowing that I don't see myself ever doing anything but going somewhere that I believe that doesn't exist, which makes me wonder what is going to happen.

    Everyday when I wake up, I always think to myself, what is the point on waking up in the morning when life is already hell, what's the point in staying if I'm too emotional because life sucks, and why am I still here if I don't see a future for myself? But that is one thing that I can't answer for myself, only the body of mine can decide for its own when the time comes to wanting to give it or wanting to stay, and hopefully if it decides that it wants to stay that it would give me a sight for me to see when I close my eyes of something cheerful from the past, and something worth living for from the present and hopefully the future as well. And hopefully it gives me the answers that I want to know, either stay and have something or go from just giving up.

    When I look at the world and see how beautiful it is, I realize that nothing can compare to that, not even a human being. With all of the animals that were made and put here on this planet it makes the world speechless. Sometimes I wonder why there are different forms on this earth, with the trees and the hills including the mountains and all of the water that creates this planet. Just looking at the earth from images on the internet makes everything change. When I look at the planet, I start wondering if there is another one out there, somewhere, the one where maybe I can start over and become someone or something else, or even where I belong. Honestly I know that from today I don't belong or even deserve to be on this planet, and actually hope that there is one out there that I do deserve to be put on.

    As days past, I wonder if there is anything that I can do to change things, but I no that it is impossible. I was told by a wise person before that if something is impossible you make it possible so that other people out there know that if someone can do something that was impossible then it will give them the courage to make something that was impossible possible. Even though I have no faith in myself I no that one day I can give faith in somebody else, and hopefully that can make a difference in their life. With all of the thoughts that are in my head, it makes me think too much which causes my confusions and all of these questions. But one day I know with all of my confusions and questions, that they will either stop or be answered.

    The most thoughts that I have been having lately is just complete darkness. Just that one thought of something that I know that I can't have is just depressing even though I feel like I'm falling for it. The feeling is just indescribable because it's love, it's full of darkness and sadly I cannot explain why because love is strong and hard to come by, but it is also hard to explain when you know that you found it.

    Just imagine that one thing that you want the most, close your eyes and think to yourself to realize that maybe one day that you would be able to reach that point for your life time. I know for a fact that I had closed my eyes a saw something but it wasn't hope it was life of my past that scares me. The past that I don't want to go back to because it caused me to be the person that I am today and myself scares me knowing that I can barely recognize myself when I look in the mirror. And that is why most of the time I am afraid of ever closing my eyes to things about what I want because it just brings up my past that I don't want.

    Have you ever listened to a song that has brought back memories that make you sad or if your lucky joy of happiness. Well because the only reason why I'm asking is because I do all the time but I don't listen to them because I like them, I listen to the songs to help find answers to my pain that I hide inside. But most of the time it's sad that I just can't handle it anymore because it brings the memories back, the ones that I don't want or even need. And then a certain song comes on that makes you want to dance with joy until it says just one thing that makes you just stop and want to ball your eyes out. That's when you realize that your life is already skewed up and there is not point in fixing it because you are broken and being broken is really hard to be put together. Trust me I have tried and it's impossible.

   

    Waking up in the morning maybe a gift of living, but believing that it is hell because you have to go through all of these steps in life, isn't how it seems to be. You think that you see the same view all the time but the thing that you don't notice is that everyday the world changes in some sort of way you just don't notice it until you see a crack in the side walk or the nature showing you. But that is part of being in the beauty of the earth and living.

    The reason why I dress up and put on a shit ton of make up is to show people that I'm okay and that there is nothing wrong with me. But really they don't notice it which is what my goal is, on the other side I'm just tired of putting on more make up and dressing up to prove people that I'm okay when really I'm not. And I guess that's okay because not everyone is going to be okay and I know that I'm not but not everybody needs to know that I'm okay or not okay. Being upset is just part of life and if your not okay with that then what's the point in being here in the first place if you don't notice your emotions that cause you to be a human.