You were everything I could have ever wanted. You were sweet, carefree. Your laugh was whole, genuine.
You made me feel whole; filled the missing piece I didn't even know I needed.
It was your effortless charm, your confidence that drew me to you.
You were my best friend, my rock, my shoulder. Before I knew it, I leaned on you like a crutch. I needed you in my life.
That's when I knew. I couldn't live with out you. I tried. Your heart was taken.
I knew in my heart it was only a matter of time before it was my heart you took.
It was everything they say it is and more when I fell hopelessly in love with you. I gave you everything. You were so many of my firsts.
We were a real life romantic comedy; the envy and the role model for every high school couple we knew. They told us we should write a book. We were that perfect.
But as all things, nothing is permanent. After proms and movie nights and family functions, things started to fray.
I was never a priority. I would move mountains for you but you would break dates we had at the last minute. I would do everything I could to rush through my day just to see you at the end. No matter what I did, what I said, how much I begged, I always came in second to everything, anything else.
I gave you a choice. Your family or me. I know now how wrong that was. I abused you, took advantage and you let me. I know now that it's the reason your family despises me so. I despise me, too. I know now why you're ashamed of me.
I started to grow up. I started to outgrow you. While I was getting my first car and applying to college, you were working in a party store with empty promises to catch up. I saw us start to be torn apart. I saw me outrunning you in the race known as adulthood.
No matter how much I cried, yelled, screamed you never could hear me. You would scream back. Our families knew. The hurt in our eyes were enough for anyone to guess what happened. We were at wits end. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. I'm sorry for your shame.
I was done. I decided to be strong, to choose me, and to break it off. It was the hardest thing I had to do and one of my biggest regrets. I shut the door. You shut your heart.
Before I realized my mistake it was too late to take back my words. Too late to take away your hurt. Too late to change how your family, how everyone would now see me. I was the bad guy, the enemy.
It only took a week before you moved on. Despite my begging, my groveling for you to take me back, forgive me for what I did. It was over.
An hour later we took off the blankets and redressed. We were each other's dirty little secret. I wanted to hurt you. I wanted your guilt to kill you. Make you feel the hurt and the pain that I did. I'm sorry for the pain I caused.
I didn't expect the intimacy that we had to still be there. I didn't expect the feelings. I didn't expect the hurt, the wanting. I hated how warm your kisses felt, your embrace. You were my new drug, my new high.
Girlfriends and boyfriends came and went. We were a constant. Always with the silent promise that it was more than just physical. You were my everything. When we kissed it was like nothing ever changed, the past was just erased.
You were strong. I wasn't your addiction like you were mine. You didn't need me in your life.
There is so much that I wish happened. And so much that I wish didn't.
That summer my world was changed. The place we used to call ours was taken, ripped out from under me. The people who said they were my friends all turned on me. I was seen for what I was, the crazy ex. The desperate girl they show in movies as the character that everyone hates. And hate me they did. I had never felt so worthless, so alone. You joined their side. I caught on to the lies, the abandonment. Everyone hated me so I hated me too.
