Knightfall

Bad Knight

I'm done.  I cannot do this anymore.  I only want to be a good husband and father and yet, I feel like I'm failing, epically failing at being both.  Yet once again, I argue with my wife and bring her to tears.  We cannot ever, not fight.  Its what we keep doing...again and again.  Same argument.  I've sacrificed so much for what I believed was suppose to be the fairy tale called TRUE LOVE.  Well, Im here to tell you, its bullshit.  Its all bullshit.  Don't get me wrong, I would never go back in time or anything like that.  I love my girls, I love my wife.  I just hate where Im at.  Why cant I be happy about where I am and what I do. I always want to do more and see beyond the horizon.  Both my girls are awesome, just wish they had better manners.  They are way better than their friends, but when it comes to respecting their father and mother....well, lets just say, Im not happy with what Ive seen so far.

So, here I sit, looking out over the water at a local boat dock and looking beyond the horizon where there is sky and then pitch black sea.  What I wouldn't give to let them have the life they think they want or pine for.  How the hell would I know, Im just Dad.

My wife and I had yet another same ol argument.  She doesn't talk, holds it all in, then it spills out.  I defend myself and tell her same ol story, I can only go on the information you give me.  Im literal....literally.  She doesn't want to hurt my feelings and yet I keep making the same mistakes, not picking up her supposedly clues.  We are suppose to be a team and yet I feel like we aren't .   I leave, just wanting a break.  Her tears really don't affect me anymore.  She just does that when she is upset.  She cant help it.  I get it.   Im just sorry it has to be me that is the source of those tears. Never wanted this. 

I grew up in a big family, five of us, not counting mom and Pop.  There was no plan, just the usual family chaos.  My oldest sister rebels, my older brother has the black cloud of bad luck-not a total truth saying kinda guy, then again, neither was I.  Then there is me-the middle child, then my over bearing, successful, egotistical twin and then, baby of the krewe, little sister-successful in business, not so much in other departments.   So this military family survived multiple moves and really no framework for long term.   In other words, just like any other, dystopian family.  We feed into the movies that give us the love and affection of story that we always want, but have never had.  

At times, I feel like there is a Darkness within me.  It stirs when restless or agitated.  Ive never seen it at full strength, Im frightened at what I have seen so far, which hasn't been much.  The Darkness craves violence like a fat kid craving sugar.  It wont stop till it gets what it wants.  When will I be able to stop it, that is the question.  The Darkness is part of me.  I know it is.  Ive seen it from my father and I know a Beserker is there.  It is timeless.  It is hungry for battle and blood.   Its only a matter of when.  How long can I keep this side suppressed.   The walls I have built get weaker every day.    Tick tock, tick tock...

The Darkness is quiet.  It's why I have no fear.  This Darkness eats it like refined sugar.  I stare out at the sea by the boatdock and wonder what will tomorrow bring.  The waves lap at the shore line.  Its comforting knowing that something so immense such as the sea, as powerful as it is, can still be gentle to the shore.  At times. 

A light flickers in a cloud way beyond the black horizon.  Must be a thunderstorm way out there.  There it is again!  Its closer, way closer than the first.  I notice the wind picking up, the waves are getting choppy...this is not right.  CRACK!!  A bolt of blue white lightning hits the car, I was standing near it, I hit the dirt and my ears are ringing. Great, feeling sorry for myself and now my car is fucked up.  I didn't even do anything but just park it.  Wife is gonna love this story.

Then there is calm.  Its like Im in the Eye of the hurricane, I can see all the violent wind and rain around me, yet in the calm circle that surrounds me, there is nothing, just quiet and calm....and then I saw the lights above me.   Fucking A, great, Im feeling sorry for myself, caught in maelstrom, car destroyed and now aliens, great, fucking aliens.  This should be just great.   Fuck me, Im fucked.