Reconciliation of the Stars

Hazels Diary

14 August, 2012 - It has been more than a month now since Gus passed away. Lidewij sent me his letter to Peter Van Houten. My heart races every time I read his words. He wrote me a eulogy before he died. Van Houten's words echoed in my mind. 'Writing does not resurrect. It buries.' he had said. True enough. I don't care about resurrection or burial these days. I think about Augustus Waters. He was, he IS the love of my life. I had cried for days. At some moments when the pain was unbearable, I was tempted to commit suicide so I could meet him in heaven. I do not believe in heaven or hell, though. It's an eternal cycle of life and death. But as Gus once said about afterlife, he believed in 'Something' with a capital S. I soon gave up the thought of ending my life. I'm probably going to die soon anyways. My lungs still suck at being lungs. I am still a grenade. The inevitable truth is that I am going to die in the near future. Dad will cry. Mom will cry. Friends will probably flood my profile with condolences.

So when I'm not thinking of death, or Gus, I spend time with Isaac. I am getting quite good at Counterinsurgence. Apart from him, I have no one to talk to. Mom tried to offer her sympathies, but that just worsened my suffering. Frankly, I don't know what to do with my life.

I don't have the heart to read An Imperial Affliction anymore. Too many memories, I guess. I have stopped relating to Anna. My efforts to sober Van Houten were in vain. He remains a drunkard to this day.

Lately, I have been feeling pretty sick. Apparently, the effects of Phalanxifor are ceasing. I could die any time now. The tumors are not a problem but the fluid in my lungs is too much for the BiPAP. So here I lie in the ICU. I had a tough time to get the doctors to allow me to write a diary. I can't bear the sobs of my parents. I feel weak. I only have to say that I am thankful for our