Before He Cheats (Watty Awards 2011)

Before He Cheats - Chapter 10

“No, it’s not fine,” I told him sternly, shaking my head. “I had no right to say what I said last night. It’s not true and you should know that, Grayson. I could never blame you for what happened. I was just still really angry at you last night.” I was looking him in the eyes when I said this, because I wanted him to see that I was being completely honest.

“Why?” he asked simply after a while of silence, his voice no longer cold and emotionless.

“Why what?” I questioned in return, even though in a way I already knew what he was going to ask me. He’s wanted for a long time and right now he finally had the opportunity to do so. 

 “Why can’t you talk about it?

“Because I’m not ready yet,” I replied honestly after a moment, rubbing my left thumb over the little tattoo I had on the back of my wrist.

Grayson didn’t say anything but just intently stared at me, which caused a shiver to run down my spine. He then took my right hand and looked at the tattoo he’d only seen once before.

“Nevaeh,” he whispered softly, reading out loud the word that was written in a beautiful shrift. He looked so emotional at that moment, his eyes glistering with unshed tears and it almost broke the wall I had built up around the whole accident.

Almost.

I pulled my hand out of his grip quickly and gave him one of my best fake smiles. He returned the smile and I could see that we were going to go back to normal.

“So, are you hungry?” I asked him and looked down at all the food on the table.

“Of course, you haven’t fed me in forever,” he replied with a smirk.

 I guess old Grayson is back.

“Great then, enjoy yourself pretty boy.” I smiled as I got up from my chair. “I’m going to go get ready, because Brandon, Holly and Ashton will be here in a couple of hours.” I told him and exited the kitchen.

“Who’s Ashton?!” he called after me and I could hear that he was stuffing his mouth with food already.

“My boyfriend!” I answered simply, loud enough for him to hear. I walked over to the bedroom to get my clothes before going to the bathroom to take a shower.

******

I sighed in content as the hot water came in contact with my body. Finally. I haven’t had a really long, steamy shower since I moved out of my house and I missed it greatly. The warm water relaxed me completely and honestly, this was my favorite place to think.

 Images of another favorite activity I loved doing in here appeared in my head and even under the hot water I could feel my cheeks growing red. I had no idea why I was thinking of that but I had to admit that it was nice to remember the good, old times I’d had with Grayson. He had been a completely different person back then and I missed him a lot. I missed the sweet, gentle, loving guy I had the pleasure to call both my best friend and my boyfriend.

I definitely didn’t like the cocky, cold hearted, selfish guy he’d become and sometimes I desperately wanted the Grayson I fell in love with back. The old Grayson would have never cheated on me and threaten me the way he did. He most certainly wouldn’t have locked me out during the night and he would have never ever thrown away my pickles.  He had become a complete jerk and the truth is that so had I.

The words I said last night were inacceptable and I don’t think I could ever stop beating myself over them because of the pain I’d caused him. When he walked into the kitchen today he had appeared so vulnerable and the look in his eyes had only increased the guilt I was feeling by a thousand times. I was such a horrible person and as much as I wanted to say that I didn’t mean to hurt him, I think that I subconsciously did. Yesterday, I couldn’t get the image of him kissing the blonde out of my mind. Each time I closed my eyes the scene would replay over and over. I guess I just wanted him to hurt a little too, although I never meant to say those things last night.