I slid my finger across the spine of an old tattered book, flipped through a couple pages, and put it back on the shelf where I found it. So much for scoring at the local library. I had hoped to find some new scientific studies novels because I had already read all the current ones they held available. I started to walk out the door whenI feel a familiar vibration in my pocket. I pull my phone out and freeze when I see who it's from. James. I contemplate ignoring the text but eventually decide to read it:
"Babe, I need to talk to you."
I sigh loudly and wonder if he thinks we are still dating.
"Just text me." I reply back. And soon enough I have many missed calls I failed to answer.
I just turned my phone off and headed home. It wasn't until much later in the evening: when I had already taken a shower, had dinner, and cleaned the dishes; when I remembered I had forgotten to turn my phone back on again.
The home screen showed hundreds of unread messages from James. I sighed I loved him and I missed him so much. I opened a message and froze. No. Not today. Why him. No. This can't happen.
"I'm going to the hospital to see my dad one last time, and I was calling earlier because I was sad and needed you."
No. No. No. No.
I texted back-
"I'm so sorry, James! I have no words, my phone died when I was at the library. I'll come over as soon as I can."
He replied instantly:
"It's okay, baby. You're voice just calms me down when I'm upset."
I plopped down in my couch. The last text message went straight to my heart and stayed there stinging me. I loved him more than anyone, but I broke up with him because he was having a hard time with his dad's Stage 4 Brain Cancer. I know that sounds really bad but he hadn't talked to me for months prior to the convo we were having.
I decided to ignore him and wrote:
"Tell you're dad I wanted to meet him, and thank him for raising my best friend. He did a pretty damn good job."
Again, instantly:
"You're my babe."
I sighed for the millionth time that day and wrote back:
"I'll take off school tomorrow to come visit you."
I closed my eyes and opened them back up to a message on the screen:
"It's okay, I'll be with family. I'll need you when I'm alone to my thoughts."
What a nice feeling it is.... to know you matter to someone. To know they call you first in an emergency no matter what. I wanted him back. I missed him, but knew in a couple days he would push me away just like all the other times. I picked up my phone put a smiley face emoji, and threw my phone across the room. The situation sucked ass. I heard my phone vibrating against the wood and snatched it up to view a
message. Great. Just Great. Just what I needed. My ex to text me. I viewed the message:
"You are a fucking liar! You started so much shit! You just fucking used mental illness as an excuse for what you did."
I pulled a pillow over my face and tried my best not to cry. Through teary eyes I texted:
"I don't need this shit. Someone I love is dying give me five damn minutes you asshole."
He just replied okay and I screamed into the pillow. After a couple minutes my phone lit up with more text messages from my ex. I turned my phone of and threw it at the wall. I stormed into the bathroom and brushed my teeth getting ready for a sleepless night.
I stayed up all night think about the old us. The old us that stayed up all night sharing secrets and being silly. The special text messages he sent me through out the day and how much he means to me. For James, is my world and without him I have nothing. He knows I'm on a lot of anxiety meds but he was willing to look past that. We would talk and then randomly he would say "Damn babe, I can't wait to marry you. I can't wait to show off my sexy wife to my family. Baby, I love you. I can't wait to grow old together and roll over every morning and pull you tighter into my arms. I can't wait to kiss you whenever I want." But now all I have are memories because sadness changed his soul forever. But the light inside of him still shines through his brokenness. The light I fell in love with the first day I met him. And I know one day someone will repair him when the time is right. But that person won't be me.
Getting up for school was a special task because I wanted nothing to do with anyone. But of course mom made me go and I survived to tell the tale. PE was a special kind of hell because Justin is in my class. It wouldn't have been as big of a problem if he hadn't picked me up a million times and told everyone I was his cuddle buddy. And during this time Jame's words ran through my mind. And of course at the end Brian said to Justin:
"Man, she really most like you. I can't believe she replaced you with James already."
I turned scarlet and stomped into the locker room and got changed.
At lunch, Brian was talking about Justin and James.
"So you got a new bae?" Brian said.
"Hell to the N-O." I retorted.
"So, you like Justin?" He asked.
"I'm not sure yet." I answered through gritted teeth.
"I always knew you were using James the whole time." He spat.
"Listen you bitch! James' dad has a couple days to live." I screamed at him.
He just shrugged and kept eating his lunch. I. Was. Pissed. I stormed to the B hall where my next class was and flicked Brian off while doing so. By the time I was in my seat I was ready to explode. But I didn't and I kept my cool until I got home. When I got home I took a nice warm shower and a long nap.
How am I supposed to make everyone happy? Should I date James again and disappoint my parents? Or should I not and always wish I had? What about Justin? What's going to happen to James? Am I cheating? What if James pushes himself away AGAIN? Can I afford to loose someone who means so much? What about Justin and I's "date" coming up maybe next weekend?
